I'm Pissed.

How's that for an update! Lovely, just like my attitude right now. It's only been a week since we found out about the chem preg, but I am still so angry. I don't know if it's a healthy way to feel or not. If I have to do something productive or be around people I'm only able to stuff my emotions for an hour or two max. Then I can't take it anymore and I go back into angry/bitter/sad mode. Note an emphasis on the angry and bitter. I'm usually able to move on and look ahead but I'm in it deep this time.

I had to go back to Dr. D's office this morning to get blood work. They needed to make sure that all of the HCG was out of my system. I loved having an appointment to make sure that I'm totally and completely not pregnant. I passed with flying colors. Yay me!

I was caught totally off guard by how angry (there's that word again) and upset I was walking into the doctor's office. The last two times I was there I was pregnant. WTH! I had so many questions to ask the nurse about my FET cycle but I couldn't get any of them out because I was choking back tears. Why?! Why today? I didn't cry yesterday! I just need to get past this and find some hope again. I feel so bad for J. He doesn't know what to do with me. He's hanging in there like a champ on my roller coaster of emotions. Bitterness is so unattractive and selfish. I can't believe this is where life has taken me.

WTF Appointment

We had our follow up appointment with Dr. D. He is very encouraged that I had a chemical pregnancy and so is J. I wish I could feel the same way. I still feel like it was a cruel trick that didn't get us any closer to our goal.

I had great concerns about immune issues and antibodies attacking our embryos (thank you google). I had convinced myself that type of testing was our next step. So, I wasn't expecting it and I wasn't totally shocked when Dr. D gave me my sentence, another lap. Gosh, it's just what I've always wanted, and just in time for my 30th birthday.

Dr. D thinks my endo has come back in full force since my lap last year. He gave endo a 95% chance of causing the failed implantation. We discussed it for quite some time and then agreed that if he doesn't find significant endo during the lap then we would pursue other tests before my next cycle. I was also bummed about the lap because it thought it would push us out an extra month. We have company coming to stay with us this month. I just didn't see how I could work around that for a lap on CD6-11. I was so super happy when Dr. D told me that taking BCPs would allow me to have the surgery later in the month. Yay, no extra break cycles :)

So our official plan is for a lap in a few weeks followed the next month by a frozen embryo transfer. If that doesn't work we will go immediately into another fresh cycle. J seems to be spending lots of time trying to figure out exactly how many embryos with make it through the thaw. We have 4 to work with so I'm praying that they will all stay strong.

I wish I could say that I'm excited and hopeful but I'm not. I think I can get there but it's going to take some time.

It's Over

It's over as soon as it started. I had the pleasure of being pregnant for 48 hours. I guess when I said that I felt like I didn't deserve it I was right. I didn't deserve it.

To be honest I was shocked, stunned. I had concerns that my count might not double. I honestly thought that if it fell short it would at least be close. My jaw just hit the floor when the nurse told me that my beta DROPPED........to 19!!! WTH! I will never ever again have faith that a pee stick means anything! The freakin line was getting darker. A 19 shouldn't even register as a positive test.

I can't find any way to summarize my emotions. I'm usually able to contain them at least for awhile. This time I was crying before I hung up the phone and within seconds I was bawling my eyes out. I don't remember ever crying that hard. Poor J. I know he's hurting too. I think he was even more shocked than I was. He is so strong. He's my rock. He holds it all together for me when I can't do it for myself.

I still have much more to say about this. It will come. Tomorrow we meet with Dr. D for our WTF appointment.

Waiting

I woke up this morning sick with worry about my beta doubling. I POAS again and was able to exhale a little. Today the line was noticeably darker. Today I could see the line at arms length without holding the test at a funny angle under a light. Today we have a real line :) I know that HPTs don't tell you how pregnant you are, but I'm taking this as a good sign. We might have a shot at a doubling beta.

Luckily I made it through the day without a headache (yay). I could feel my racing heart again this morning. It feels like it could jump out of my chest. At the risk of sharing too much, my boobs are so sore! I think that's likely just a side effect of the progesterone.

We're waiting anxiously for beta #2. I'm thanking God right now for every single second that I'm able to say, "I'm pregnant." I feel like I don't deserve this.

A Teeny Tiny BFP!!!!!

I woke up this morning and tested again. Of course it resulted in another almost invisible line. I can't tell if they are getting any darker but I know they aren't getting lighter. J and I were pleased that at least something was still showing on the test, something very very faint.

We raced off on our half hour drive to church where we taught Sunday School for the first time. I agreed to teach weeks ago but so far my ER and bed rest has been interfering. We spent an hour teaching energetic 7 year olds about Jesus :) Then we jumped back in the car and raced back half an hour to the doctor.

The doctor's office was super crowded. I sat down to have my blood drawn and Dr. D came over to us to talk. I've never seen him in the office on a Sunday so that was unusual. He's also never had a conversation with us during a blood draw. He discussed our frozen embryos and how he hoped they could give us good news. It was totally out of character for him.

After that we grabbed a quick lunch and came home to stare at my phone until rang. We waited almost 5 hours playing through different scenarios and possible outcomes. I decided that from looks of our HPTs I would be satisfied with any number over 25. We would at least have a prayer.

Finally the phone rang and our favorite nurse gave me the good news: the test was positive!! And the bad news: my HCG level is only 32. She assured me that it is possible to have a successful pregnancy with a 32 but it is definitely on the low side. My progesterone is also a problem at 18. The doctor wants it to stay above 20 so my dosage was increased from 1cc to 1.5cc.

J and I are both thrilled out of our minds. Unfortunately we've been playing this game too long to get excited while things are still this uncertain. I haven't cried or screamed or even tried to embrace this yet. I need the comfort of a few doubling betas before I can exhale and start wallowing in happiness. But for now, I am pregnant for the first time in my life!! This Father's Day brings the hope that I might actually make J a father.

Thank you God for this incredible blessing!

The Shadow

Typing through the pain right now to get a record of what's been going on lately. Today I woke up with the most unbelievable migraine. The pain is a 10 out of 10 as far as headaches go. 13 hours and a half a bottle of vicodin later it's not any better. We canceled all of our plans today so I could lay in bed with ice on my eye. The pain is so sharp that it's making me want to throw up.

Now for a recap of our recent emotional roller coaster. I can't believe I did this to myself. I've never been an early tester, usually just right before beta. This cycle J wanted to do everything differently so I've been POAS the whole way through. I'm pretty sure this IVF is another freakin failure. Who knows what's really going on because these test are so freaking ambiguous. I only took 5000units HCG so I was able to start testing really early. Here's what I have:

2dp5dt: BFN

3dp5dt: BFN

4dp5dt: BFN

5dp5dt: (FMU target test) very faint shadowy 2nd line visible to us both

5dp5dt: (evening test, switched to first response) line is fainter than before, very very hard to see.

6dp5dt: line is almost totally gone. Don't know if we can even really see a shadow.

7dp5dt: BFN

8dp5dt: (morning)The faint shadowy second line is back. It's still really hard to see.

8dp5dt: (evening) Same shadowy line.

9dp5dt: Another light line. No darker than before. Hard to see

We thought we were getting evap lines so J peed on one. His test didn't produce any shadow where the second line should be. It was totally white. We have absolutely no idea what to think of all of this. At 12dpo we were certain that this IVF was a total failure. Now we're still not expecting a positive result but wondering it this might be a chemical pregnancy. I can't imagine that at 14dpo the line would still be so so light if I were pregnant. At the same time, however faint they might be, I have produced line after line.

So tomorrow's Father's Day and we're going in for our beta. I'm praying with all my heart that we will get the news that we want. I honestly don't know if we can take another disappointment.

6dp5dt

Scratch one more day off the list. I'm at the point where normal function/conversation is pretty much impossible. My mind is totally occupied with the terror of a potential BFN around the corner. I'm useless and I don't even think it's worth fighting it.

Today I've had more cramps. I also have a full blown migraine for the first time this cycle. I think it came today because I started the estrogen patches yesterday. I can't take my imitrex and Tylenol is a joke. For now I just have to lay here and take it.

J was at an interview all day today. I'm so proud of him. Thank God one of us is being productive.

5dp5dt

Here's the "symptom" update for today. I had another brief cramping spell this afternoon. I've also had a dull headache most of the day. Here's the doozy...... my heart has been POUNDING all day long. I can feel my pulse up in my throat and it seems really fast. I don't even know how to explain it. I've never heard of that as a pregnancy symptom but it's been bugging me all day so it seems worth mentioning.

Ahhh, the joys of the temporarily insane 2ww brain.

June 10th

I've POAS for the last 4 mornings. I've been trying to brace myself and ease into a BFN. I've never been an early tester. J agreed that I should do it because we want to do EVERYTHING different this cycle. We're trying to change our luck by doing every single thing differently.

No big surprise that the tests have all been white, white, white. Just what I expected. Until today. Today there is a...... shadow. It's not a line. It's barely a shadow, but it's something. I couldn't believe it. Surely my eyes had to be playing tricks onme. I came flying down the stairs in my undies to show J. He could see it too! I wasn't loosing my mind! Then he told me that he fished yesterdays test out of the trash when I wasn't looking and he thought he saw a shadow on that one too! Where was that information?!?

I'm not calling this a positive. It is far too faint. It's a barely visible, possibly imaginary, shadow. Praise God for this glimmer of hope! We have been praying morning, noon, and night for this. I've been telling J all week that June 10th is our lucky day. It's the day of our first date. The day that marked the beginning of our relationship. The day that it all started. The day that changed our lives forever. From the first day we were solidly and wholly committed to each other and we never looked back. I can't think of a better day to see our first "positive" test. If this is real, our lives again will change and hopefully we will never have to look back.

4dp5dt

For the record, I think analyzing symptoms during IVF is a waste of time. With the amount of Progesterone I'm on the side effects are crazy. I know that there isn't a single symptom out there that I can count on to assure a BFP. I promised myself that I would keep track of how I'm feeling in the 2WW this time. I want to have a record for comparison if, God forbid, I have to do this again.

So, until today I've had what I would describe as an achy abdomen. It wasn't cramps but just a dull ache that I am sure is due to the stims and ER. This afternoon I briefly experienced some cramping for the first time. Today the shots seem to be catching up with me. My energy level is shot and I am so tired. Unfortunately I'm too anxious to sleep. I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up on Sunday :) I'm also starving (again, progesterone) and peeing every 20 minutes (lovely).

Ever The Same

I came across this song months ago and thought it was beautiful. I listened to it again recently and was so moved by the lyrics. The way he talks about holding and supporting each other through heartbreak is so touching. I know that I'm putting my interpretation onto something that probably has nothing to do with IF but for me that's exactly what it's about. It reminds me of the way that J holds me up when I'm down and gets me through all of the hard times. Sometimes your so broken down that all you can do is cling to each other.

IF tests marriage like few things can. Luckily it's making ours even stronger. This is a great reminder for us to "fall on" each other when times are hard. I listened to this during our ET.

EVER THE SAME

Rob Thomas

We were drawn from the weeds
We were brave like soldiers

Falling down under the pale moonlight

You were holding me

Like someone broken

And I couldn't tell you but I'm telling you now

Just let me hold you while you're falling apart

Just let me hold you and we'll both fall down

Fall on me

Tell me everything you want me to be

Forever with you

forever in me

Ever the same

We would stand in the wind

We were free like water

Flowing down Under the warmth of the sun

Now it's cold and we're scared

And we've both been shaken

Yeah, look at us man, This doesn't need to be the end

Just let me hold you while you're falling apart

Just let me hold you and we'll both fall down

Fall on me

tell me everything you want me to be

Forever with you

Forever in me

Ever the same

Call on me

And I'll be there for you and you'll be there for me

Forever it's you

Forever in me

Ever the same

You may need me there

To carry all your weight

But you're no burden I assure

You tide me over

With a warmth I'll not forget

But I can only give you love

Doubt Creeps In

Well that didn't take long. I've come off of the high of having great embryos and a great transfer. While I still find encouragement in our numbers, I'm also starting to feel panicked about the outcome. Our failure 2 months ago is still so fresh on my mind. I think it's my internal self defense mechanism that is telling me over and over again, "this.will.fail". I honestly can't imagine it going any other way. I have never in my life seen a positive pregnancy test. The idea that I might see one in a few days just seems ridiculous..... ludicrous!

I'm trying to be positive. I want to be positive. But positive always leads to more hurt in the end. At this point I'm not up for anymore hurt. So, since being positive is too much to ask, all I can do is try not to be negative. The best I can give is neutral and that's my goal.

Amazingly it takes a high level of distraction to achieve neutral. I have to keep my mind occupied to prevent the negativity from creeping in. I'm doing everything I can. I had a nice distraction yesterday. J's parents came by and brought us a roast and lots of other goodies to eat. It was so nice to see them and get to chat. J's mom even walked the dogs for me since I'm still on bed rest. That was a perfect treat and just what we needed.

The Fantastic Four..... Frozen Embies

I was just taking to J and telling him that I don't know what in the world we will do if this IVF doesn't work. It's overwhelming to think of what our next step might look like. Then in the middle of our conversation the phone rang. It was Dr.D's office calling to tell us that 4 blasts made it to freeze!! Wow, how's that for an answer to my question?

We knew that we would be able to freeze two. We were told that on the day of our transfer. At that point we also had 4 "slow growers" that the embryologists were going to watch. They didn't sound very hopeful that any of them would make it. I was really expecting that none of them would make it. So it turned out that two of them were little fighters and they ended up making it to blast after all :)

This is just one more incredible blessing to add to the list this week. Also, for what it's worth, 4 has always always always been my favorite/lucky number. So that's tight.

Show Me the Embies!

Well here they are. Our 3 beautiful blasts are on the left. And just for comparison you can see our previous day 3 embies on the right. I think it's amazing that you can count every cell in a day 3 embryo (8-10 cells) but by day 5 there are too many cells to count (approx 150-200).

J has been reading up on blasts and we were surprised to find out that by day 5 the cells are already separating into "placenta cells" and "fetus cells". I know, my terminology is impressive.

It's crazy that little blobs can mean so much to me. Hopefully they are all getting cozy and settling in for a nice long stay. It's been exactly 24 hours since the transfer so implantation may have already happened. I'm just praying and praying and praying that they're hanging on.

Come to Momma

< (acupuncture before transfer)

The transfer was perfect! We couldn't have asked for anything better. We went out for an early lunch date and then arrived at the doctor's office at 12:30. I had acupuncture first. It was so relaxing and I listened to great music on my ipod to prepare.

Next the embryologist came in the room. We were hoping it would be the same one we had last time but it wasn't. We were so anxious to hear about our embryos that we were about it loose it. We hadn't had an update in 48 hrs. The embryologist looked at her clipboard. She said "so, we're doing two." Then she acted like she was ready for me to sign it. J and I both felt immediate panic because we thought she was saying that we only had 2 embies left. Finally, after some prodding, she explained that we actually had 5 perfect blasts :) We also had 4 more embryos that hadn't yet made it to blast stage but they were still growing. Huge sigh of relief!

We explained to her that we wanted to transfer at least 3. She left the room to talk to our RE. They came back together and Dr. D told us that he agreed with transferring 3, but would not do more. J made the decision and told him that 3 would be our magic number.

After that things went perfectly. The transfer was smooth and my lining looked great. Dr. D said that the cycle and embryos were "spectacular" and really believes it will work. I spent another half hour on the transfer table for more acupuncture.

We were given pictures of our 3 little blasts. J has been reading and reading about blasts online. He is so proud of the photos that he emailed them to our parents. They just look like little blobs but they are the world to us.

The most incredible thing is that we will have at least 2 frozen blasts!! The 4 "slow growers" are still being watched. If any of them make it to blast stage they will also be frozen. I just can't believe it. I feel so incredibly blessed today.

Guy's Choice

I forgot to mention one major detail in our "magic number" discussion. I told J that I want the number of embryos that we transfer to be fully and completely his choice. I know that he thought I was joking at first. I've had such strong opinions through our entire TTC journey.

Now I'm honestly and wholeheartedly handing it over to him. It actually makes perfect sense. I have never seen him make a bad decision (except for sock matching). It's also unfortunate that the IVF process has to revolve so much around me. I want him to feel like he has more influence. So, there it is. If there is any decision to be made at all during our transfer it will be his choice. He's taking his job very seriously :)

A Comment!

Bless your heart! Thank you so much for leaving an encouraging comment on my blog. That just made my day :)

What's the magic number?

J took me out to lunch today and we had a nice talk about our transfer tomorrow. We've been spending lots of time lately discussing how many embryos we should transfer. Last time we used 3, but it was a 3-day transfer. With a 5-day transfer our chances will be better and our odds increase.

J feels strongly that we should transfer as many as we possibly can. He argues that at this point we still don't even know if I can get pregnant so we should give it all we have. Last time I disagreed with him, but now I'm on board. It's amazing how an IVF BFN can change your thinking.

Provided we still have plenty of healthy embies tomorrow, we expect that our doctor will recommend transferring 3. If that's the case we will ask for 4. It seems that the doctor has much more say in the transfer than we do so it may not do any good. We both also know that you can't plan in advance what you will do on the day of transfer. That is what makes tomorrow so exciting and scary.

So So So Happy!!! 5 Day Transfer!

We got the most exciting news this morning! I was cleaning the house and getting dressed in preparation for going into Dr. D's office for our transfer. J answered the phone and was told that we didn't need to come in because we are going to make it to a 5 day transfer!

All 11 of our embryos are still thriving:) They are all 8-10 cells in size right now, which is perfect for day 3. One is a grade B and the other 10 are all grade A. I was jumping up and down and giddy with excitement when J gave me the news.

This is so important to me because it clearly separates this cycle from our last IVF. It gives me hope again and a reason to believe that this one might actually work. Last time we had great embryos but not enough of them to try for day 5. I have been praying for something to set this cycle apart and here it is. We're just so thrilled.

11 Embryos!

Finally. Finally! I got Dr. D on the phone. He told me that 17 of our 18 eggs were good enough to ICSI. That resulted in 11 embryos. That fertilization rate is not as good as last time (11 out of 18 instead of 6 out of 7), but our number is higher. I was really hoping for 15 but decided that I wouldn't cry if we got 10 or more. So, 11 it is.

I was told that we still have a good chance for a 5-day transfer. I really hope we can make it to day 5. I think we need something extra going for us to make it work this time. They won't look at the embryos today so I'm just praying that they are growing and strong.

Now we wait for the phone call tomorrow morning to find out about our transfer. If we need to do a day-3 then it will happen tomorrow. If we can make it to day-5 then the transfer will happen on Thursday. Until then I have my first progesterone shot to get excited about :(

No Big Deal

Hey, it's no big deal! Seriously Mr. Embryologist, don't worry about calling. We're just sitting around wondering if we CREATED LIFE!! Really though, if today's not convenient for you maybe you can find time in the next week or so.

I'm totally relaxed about the whole situation. I can even go about 27 seconds without thinking about how many embryos we have. See there. No big deal!

:::Update::: They never called....... They never freakin called!!

Ouch

I certainly feel different after this egg retrieval. My stomach is so so sore. When the vicodin wears off I can't even stand up straight. Last time I made it 2 days on tylenol alone. I've been told that the more follicles you have the more painful the recovery. If that's the case then it's a small price to pay. I thought I would bounce back today but now it's clear that I'll be down and out for a bit.