Doubt Creeps In

Well that didn't take long. I've come off of the high of having great embryos and a great transfer. While I still find encouragement in our numbers, I'm also starting to feel panicked about the outcome. Our failure 2 months ago is still so fresh on my mind. I think it's my internal self defense mechanism that is telling me over and over again, "this.will.fail". I honestly can't imagine it going any other way. I have never in my life seen a positive pregnancy test. The idea that I might see one in a few days just seems ridiculous..... ludicrous!

I'm trying to be positive. I want to be positive. But positive always leads to more hurt in the end. At this point I'm not up for anymore hurt. So, since being positive is too much to ask, all I can do is try not to be negative. The best I can give is neutral and that's my goal.

Amazingly it takes a high level of distraction to achieve neutral. I have to keep my mind occupied to prevent the negativity from creeping in. I'm doing everything I can. I had a nice distraction yesterday. J's parents came by and brought us a roast and lots of other goodies to eat. It was so nice to see them and get to chat. J's mom even walked the dogs for me since I'm still on bed rest. That was a perfect treat and just what we needed.