Tuesday, August 26, 2008

It came crashing down.

Just when I think our situation can't get any worse, it does. Today started out with so much hope and ended with an absolutely crushing blow. Dr. D called me himself to give me the results of this mornings blood work. I knew it was a bad sign when I heard him on the phone. He told me that my thyroid is normal (yay), and my beta is negative (double yay), but my FSH is elevated (W.T.F).

He said that my FSH is a 12.7. It's ALWAYS been below a 6. He said that the number is so high that it isn't worth pursuing an IVF this cycle. I can come in next month and hopefully try then. He expects my FSH to go back down and then we will be able to continue treatment. He didn't seem overly concerned which was a stark contrast to the sheer panic and emotional outburst I was experiencing.

I know what a high FSH means. I'm not new to this game. It's a devastating prognosis. It's like my ovaries are turning in their "two weeks notice". So where the hell did this come from?? Why is it suddenly so high. He said it's not surprising coming off of a chemical pregnancy. I asked him if it was caused by the CP and he said no. I have no idea where this leaves me. I'm devastated.

It's absolutely blowing my mind that in addition to my advanced endo I'm now dealing with elevated FSH at the age of 30. 30!! Thirty freaking years old by one month! I have no idea how I'm going to get through the next month, two months, rest of my life. I've put EVERYTHING in my life on hold for these treatments. I want out.

WTF Indeed

We had quite a conversation with our RE yesterday. It was the follow up to my chemical. I was fully prepared to go in there and convince him of all the reason why I should have a RPL. Instead he told us how sorry he was, sat us down, and began explaining all the reasons why he thought we needed an RPL. It happens this way with him every time. We are always on the same page and I never need to say a word. I feel lucky to have a doctor like him.

He wants us to go into another fresh IVF cycle and through 3 steps to try to avoid another chemical pregnancy. First is the repeated pregnancy loss testing. That involves testing thyroid, antibodies, and blood clotting. His office runs a 4 part screen for RPL. That isn't the most thorough in the world but it's a good start. He claims that any problems uncovered in an RPL will be treatable.

Our second step is karyotyping. It's a blood test run on both of us to check for chromosomal abnormalities. I thought that this was unnecessary for us since we are able to produce healthy blasts but I was wrong. We could still have karyotype issues. He says that there is only a 2% chance of finding something there. Some karyotype problems can be solved with PGD but others are untreatable and would require the use of donor eggs or sperm (terrifying).

If we don't find anything on either test (which is likely) we will move on to the third step: PGD. It's the genetic testing of one cell from each embryo on day 3. We wouldn't be doing it to look for problems necessarily, but to be able to transfer ALL of the genetically normal embryos in one shot, on a fresh cycle. It would give us the best possible odds.

That leads me to the shocker of the day. He said that the PGD would help sort out our embryos so we could transfer 6 or 7 of the best. Holy cow! 6 or 7!! I started laughing like a crazy person every time he said it and I don't even know why. I think I was scared and absolutely stunned that at my age my doctor is willing to do that. Am I really that bad? Am I really that infertile? The sad part is that I'm okay with transferring that many. If that's what it takes to get me pregnant then so be it. J was thrilled with the idea. He would transfer 20 embies if he could :)

We asked if it's time to start discussing third party reproduction (again, terrifying). He touched on a couple of options then went on to tell us that we aren't there yet and we "need to keep our eye on the ball", meaning our next IVF. Then he told us that he still truly believes that it will work and I will get pregnant. He's not the type of doctor to give us any fluff or try to make us feel good so that really hit home with me.

All of this was very exciting and brought back a little hope for us. Unfortunately it all hinges on one thing, my beta. If my beta results from this morning come back above a 5 then I won't be able to do IVF this cycle. It will be a scheduling disaster for us and an emotional nightmare. I'm hoping with everything in me that my beta will be zero. There is NO WAY I can sit out this month! For the record, they drew 7 vials of blood this morning. I'm so glad I don't have to do that again.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Picking up the pieces

Old faithful showed up today. That's right, AF came along while we were sitting in church this morning. I've been telling myself that I'm lucky because it only took 4 days for her to come after my last beta. At least I can move on quickly. I'll take what I can get a this point.

So this is considered cycle day 1 for IVF #4. It's a place that I never in wildest dreams thought I would be. This is so surreal. It just so happens that after pleading with the nurse, tomorrow is the first available time that Dr. D could see us for our WTF appointment. Well, she gave us the choice between tomorrow and September 9th. Comical! So we will have a conversation with Dr.D about everything we are going to do going forward. I know that we won't have to take a break cycle after my chem preg. That was a huge relief. We need to move quickly while my endo is cleared out.

I'm going to do everything I can to get Dr. D to run a RPL on me. After my conversation with one of the nurses it doesn't sound like he is interested in doing it but I'm hoping I can convince him otherwise. Two miscarriages is enough for me, even if they were very early. I'm willing to do anything possible to keep from going through another. How can drs make you wait for 3 before running a panel? It seems cruel. The strange thing is that I don't even expect anything to be found on the RPL. I just want it done for peace of mind.

I think he's planning for this cycle to be just like our last fresh IVF. He expects a positive result this time because of my recent lap. I'm okay with the protocol. We got great embryos last time. I'm really concerned about what options we will have left if this fails. I don't think I can go through with this IVF without knowing what's waiting at the end. Of course, behind door #1 is the elusive BFP, but I have to know what's behind door #2. For the first time in this entire journey I honestly don't know what's waiting there. It's so scary and just thinking about it makes me feel so defeated.

I haven't written much about my chemical/failure last cycle. I was so upset when the first beta came in low. It was an awful day. Since then I've been stuffing my emotions and pressing forward. I didn't shed a single tear when got the bad news about the second beta. I still haven't. I can't. This journey has been so unbearably heart wrenching. I just can't process anymore sorrow. I've been silently drowning in heartache for the last 2 years and I just can't do it anymore. Not the IVF, the heartache. I can't do it. So for now I choose not to feel it. I'm ignoring the pain and moving on. I'm sure there are therapists out there that could give me thousands of reasons why that's not healthy, but I don't care. It's the only defense mechanism I have left. Will the sad reality come crashing down on me like a ton of bricks? I'm sure it will. But did I make it through this sh!tty week without any tears? Damn sure did!

Friday, August 22, 2008

It's over, again.

My second beta was a 17. This is another chemical pregnancy. My heart is broken.

Monday, August 18, 2008

19

my beta's a freaking 19. i.am. livid. obviously staring down the barrel of another chemical pregnancy. thanks for ripping my heart out of my chest once again IF, you piece of sh!t. the nurse told me that "we have to treat this as an actual pregnancy" so I have to continue the shots. that's really encouraging. glad to know that they have absolutely no hope for a positive outcome. i don't blame them. i told her that 19 is totally pathetic and she didn't disagree.

i'm sort of upset but mostly just seething with anger. i'll save my tears for wed. i have my repeat beta on wed. i can't wait for that call telling me that the hcg has dropped to a 4 or a 3 or a 2. so here i sit knowing that i'm barely pregnant and my endo ridden body is just trying to finish killing off the last of the embryos. i'm sure it will get the job done in the next 48 hours. i'm super efficient in that way.

It got darker!!

Wow, I don't know if this is a joke or maybe my pee sticks are starting to feel sorry for me. I'm totally shocked that this morning's test is noticeably darker than the last three. We actually have a real line! I don't have to hold it up to the light or do any tricks to see it.

I was burned last time by a pee stick getting darker while my beta was actually dropping. I know that the darkness of the line doesn't really indicate what's going on in there. The only thing this new line is telling me is that there might still be a chance. I think it's fair to retain just a little bit of hope at this point. That's all I have room for. J keeps saying that all we wanted was a chance and now we might have that. Please let this be a good sign!

I went in this morning for my beta. We keep trying to figure out we expect the results to be, not that it matters what we expect. I just don't know after today's test. I'm expecting it to be positive and I'm just praying that it will be higher than the 32 that we had last time, preferably over a 50. I want it to be high enough to keep us hopeful going into a second beta. I would give everything I have for a doubling beta.........

Sunday, August 17, 2008

9dp5dt

It's getting worse. The line is F-ing getting lighter. Lighter!! I can't even process that I'm going through another chemical pregnancy. That has to be what this is. Even J, the perpetual optimist, agrees that this has to be another chem preg. Now I'm actually praying that there will be enough HCG left in my system tomorrow morning for it to even show up in my blood work. What if it all goes away before I even have my beta?!?!?! What the hell? How has it come to this again?

Let's see. I'm going to predict that my beta tomorrow comes back at a whopping 20. Then I'll get to continue my shots and go back on Wednesday for a repeat that should top out at about a 4, but hey, 4's my lucky number so f me. My symptoms are gone, no nausea, no nothing. At least if I can't have a baby I still get to keep these disgusting @ss bruises on my butt cheeks.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

8dp5dt

I wish I could say that the line got darker today but it didn't. It's still super faint. I didn't want to test this morning because I just knew that would be the case. Ugh. I feel like I'm headed straight for another chemical pregnancy. Why can't it just get darker??? Please just let it get darker!!!!

I need to count my blessings. I know that I'm in a far better position than I was two days ago. Any line is a total miracle at this point. I don't want to get greedy I just want to feel like I have an advantage for once. I can't do anything but sit and wait. I'm saying constant prayers for a darker line and a high beta.

I'm so desperate for something good to happen. Today was a horrible day for Daddy. He's in the hospital and I'm just crushed b/c I can't get there to see him. I'm so sick of wasting all of my time and energy on IF. Please let this be the end!

Friday, August 15, 2008

Shhhhh.....

....I'm so hesitant to post this because it might just be my imagination. To call it a line would be an exaggeration. I saw the faintest hint of a pink shadow on my test this morning. I'm not calling this a BFP. It's not nearly dark enough for that. The only thing I can say is that it's not blank and I haven't had any HCG in 2 months.

I've been testing for several days and getting increasingly pissed off by BFNs. I've already cried my eyes out over this cycle failing. I even made J take me to a movie yesterday to get my mind off of this crap. In the middle of the movie I broke out in a cold sweat and had to do everything I could to keep from throwing up. I chalked that up to my headache medicine (even thought it's never had that effect before). Then we had dinner after the movie and as soon as we got home I was running to the bathroom with dry heaves. Again, it's most likely that all of my meds are making me feel crummy but I'm praying that it's a pregnancy symptom. How crazy do you have to be to pray for nausea?

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Losing it!

I knew I couldn't make it through this FET gracefully. I've been trying my hardest but today the weight of it all is catching up with me. I'm slipping away from hope and into negativity. I'm sure it's normal for this part of the process but I still hate it.

Today I can't stop thinking that NOTHING has ever worked for us. Nothing! Ever! Why on earth should I think that this could be our time? It seems like any hope is just an obvious set up for failure. Of course, failure is the scariest part. If this FET fails, then I will go directly into another fresh IVF without a break. Right now I just don't think I have it in me. J said that we could take a break if I needed it but I reminded him that a break would just allow more endo to grow back and hurt our chances even more. After another fresh cycle I don't even know what options we would have left.

This isn't meant to be a pity party. I know it's not over yet. I'm just so so scared. Lord please give me strength.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

That's better.

After 3 days I've finally conquered my migraine. Yay!! There's a good chance that it will come back but I'm so glad to get a break from it today. This is also my last day of steroids. I'm excited about that because after tonight I should be able to sleep a little better.

I'm starving today but nothing tastes good and I'm a little naseous. I'm sure it's just the hormones. It's too early to have any real symptoms. Can't wait to start testing. Time is just creeping by so slowly .........

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Oh My Aching Head

I don't have much to report since I'm stuck here on bed rest watching the Olympics. My only realization is that the FET drugs do not agree with my head. I'm working on my 3rd day in a row of migraine pain. I've been fighting chronic migraines for about 9 years. I've always been concerned about getting pregnant because the only medication that works well for me isn't approved for pregnancy (of course).

Anyways, the years of TTC have been a nightmare for managing migraines. I could take my meds before I ovulated and then I would try my hardest not to in the 2ww. Sometimes, early on, I would have a huge migraine in the 2ww and have to take meds. Then I would worry myself sick that I had hurt our baby. The worry was always pointless.

My RE won't allow me to take my meds during treatment because it will restrict blood flow to my uterus. I have been very very lucky to avoid major migraines through most of my treatment cycles. However, this FET is turning out to be a different story. In preparation for the transfer I started taking estrogen and progesterone injections twice daily. The combination is wreaking havoc on my head. Dr. D has tried to treat my past headaches using Vico.din with little luck. Now my only option is Oxy.codone. I've been taking it now for 3 days and I don't see an end in sight for this headache. Every 6 hours when the oxy wears off the pain comes right back. I know that I'll be fine but I'm a little uncomfortable plowing through these narcotics. Hmmm...

Friday, August 8, 2008

8-08-08 FET!!!

Our transfer is complete and now I'm settling into bed rest. We went in at 11:15 for acupuncture and an 11:45 transfer. We were Dr. Ds last appointment before his 2 week vacation. Good timing!

When we got there the embryologist gave us the most unbelievable news. All 4 embryos survived the thaw! I was (and still am) in total shock. I was preparing for 2 but just praying like crazy for 4. The steroids that I'm taking keep me up most of the night so I have been spending lots of time talking to God about this transfer and our embryos. This is such an unbelievable blessing. Just knowing that all 4 now have a chance to survive has brought so much peace to my heart. An IVF 2ww is always super hard but I think this small miracle will make it easier for me.

There was really no discussion required for the number to transfer. We transferred 3 day-3 embies the first time. The second time we transferred 3 blasts. Since we are 0 for 2, it makes sense to use all 4 frozen blasts. Besides, I would never discard a viable embryo. Three of our embies were expanding and looked "great". The fourth was still viable but making slower progress. The embryologist was pleased with the condition of all 4 and they all received assisted hatching.

I feel so blessed and finally hopeful again. I'm proud to say that for today we're a family of 6.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Counting Down

Exactly 24 hours from now our little embryos will be transferred. Even earlier than that they will have to pass the test of the thaw! I don't know why but I am so excited that our transfer will be on 8-08-08. That seems really lucky for some reason. I think it will be a great day for great things to happen. J thinks we will transfer all 4 embryos and they will all implant and split. Then we will conceive 8 babies on 8-08-08. hahaha!

I had so many things that I wanted to do today before I'm on bed rest. Unfortunately my body had something else in mind. I was hit with a migraine last night. I took pain meds and went to sleep but it was still going strong this morning. Since I can't take Imi.trex Dr. D is having me try Oxy.codone. It takes the edge off the pain and turns me into a total zombie.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Getting Nervous

This is a pointless and futile thing to worry about but I can't push it out of my mind. Dr. D has agreed that we should transfer all four of our frozen blasts. That's some heat but we totally agree that it's necessary. Three fresh blasts last time didn't get us anywhere. If we have less than 4 blasts to transfer I know I will be totally crushed and write off the whole cycle.

I know that my expectations are totally unrealistic. Statistically we will be so lucky if we have 2 embryos survive the thaw. I just can't make myself accept that and think that way. We've lost so many embryos already that it breaks my heart. I've personally killed 6 in utero. I just want all 4 to get a fighting chance.

I'm praying my brains out for our four little guys. I'll also be praying for God to move my heart to happiness and contentment with any outcome. I hear negativity can be bad for implantation :)