The Shadow

Typing through the pain right now to get a record of what's been going on lately. Today I woke up with the most unbelievable migraine. The pain is a 10 out of 10 as far as headaches go. 13 hours and a half a bottle of vicodin later it's not any better. We canceled all of our plans today so I could lay in bed with ice on my eye. The pain is so sharp that it's making me want to throw up.

Now for a recap of our recent emotional roller coaster. I can't believe I did this to myself. I've never been an early tester, usually just right before beta. This cycle J wanted to do everything differently so I've been POAS the whole way through. I'm pretty sure this IVF is another freakin failure. Who knows what's really going on because these test are so freaking ambiguous. I only took 5000units HCG so I was able to start testing really early. Here's what I have:

2dp5dt: BFN

3dp5dt: BFN

4dp5dt: BFN

5dp5dt: (FMU target test) very faint shadowy 2nd line visible to us both

5dp5dt: (evening test, switched to first response) line is fainter than before, very very hard to see.

6dp5dt: line is almost totally gone. Don't know if we can even really see a shadow.

7dp5dt: BFN

8dp5dt: (morning)The faint shadowy second line is back. It's still really hard to see.

8dp5dt: (evening) Same shadowy line.

9dp5dt: Another light line. No darker than before. Hard to see

We thought we were getting evap lines so J peed on one. His test didn't produce any shadow where the second line should be. It was totally white. We have absolutely no idea what to think of all of this. At 12dpo we were certain that this IVF was a total failure. Now we're still not expecting a positive result but wondering it this might be a chemical pregnancy. I can't imagine that at 14dpo the line would still be so so light if I were pregnant. At the same time, however faint they might be, I have produced line after line.

So tomorrow's Father's Day and we're going in for our beta. I'm praying with all my heart that we will get the news that we want. I honestly don't know if we can take another disappointment.