tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-48545959593246026602024-03-14T01:07:19.776-07:00Empty VesselOne girl's attempt to overcome infertility, become a mother, and fill her life with God's love.Marleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18442267579506776293noreply@blogger.comBlogger65125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4854595959324602660.post-8251871638821720312010-04-26T19:54:00.000-07:002010-04-26T20:22:56.466-07:00So how did it turn out?Those beautiful PGD embryos that I posted ended up giving us one perfect beautiful baby girl. She was born in June, 2009 and she is the absolute light of our lives. After we lost the twin at 9 weeks things were fairly uneventful. I had some intense siatica and lots of headaches. Those were annoying for me but no problem for the baby.<br /><br />At week 34 I had a scare with low amniotic fluid that landed me at monitoring appointments for the rest of the pregnancy. Tons of early contractions worried me but ended up making my labor and delivery wonderful. I was able to labor at home until I was 6cm and then checked into the hospital and got an epidural. That allowed me to relax for about 4 hours while I progressed. Then I literally pushed 3 times and delivered her. She weighed 7 1/2 lbs and was 20 inches long. <br /><br />Everything about parenthood has been just as we had hoped. Our only hurdle has been an insane 7 months of colic. Even in her worst most colicy moments she is an absolute angel in our eyes. I guess that's one benefit of IF, if you can call it that. All of the trials and tribulations of getting pregnant make other issues seem so insignificant. It's been a great parenting tool so far to help me keep things in perspective.<br /><br />To sumarize, we have been blessed beyond belief.Marleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18442267579506776293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4854595959324602660.post-33321428949538862442010-04-26T19:47:00.000-07:002010-04-26T19:54:39.556-07:00I'm Baaaaaaaaack!That was weird how I just disappeard for 18 months. Let me explain and update. Unfortunatley we lost one of our twins at 9 weeks. We had already seen two heartbeats and become attached to the idea of twins so it hurt. It hurt a lot. That's when I stopped updating this blog. Somehow I couldn't bring myself to write a post about loosing one of them. It may sound strange but it was just too sad at the time. <br /><br />Then after we made it out of the first trimester I started a pregnancy/baby blog for my friends and family. I didn't want it to be linked to this one because we keep our IF fairly private. At that point I wanted a break from IF and time to experience the joy of pregnancy. So that lead to this blog collecting a lot of dust. Now, after all this time I decided to dust the cobwebs off continue our story. I don't know if anyone out there will find any of this remotely interesting or helpful but I enjoy having a record of my treatments and their outcomes.Marleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18442267579506776293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4854595959324602660.post-55320705928619948752008-11-10T19:31:00.000-08:002008-11-11T10:05:18.820-08:00Twins, twins, TWINS!!!!!!!I don't even know where to start. There's only one reason for my lack of blog entries. I.am.scared.to.death. I'm totally overwhelmed with how lucky we have been since our first beta and I'm terrified that something bad is going to happen. I'm scared to talk about the pregnancy, or think about it, or write about it. Even though I'm kidding myself, I sort of think that if I avoid those things then I won't get too attached and I won't jinx it. Anyway, there are just too many important things happening to keep quiet any longer.<br /><br />Our 3rd beta came back at 1000! It more than doubled every 48 hrs. What a miracle!! Even before our 3rd beta we had to tell J's parents and my mom. We wanted to keep it to ourselves but they knew when we had the transfer so they were starting to ask. I was very very nervous about sharing the news because I was still so skeptical. They were all so happy for us but still reserved and cautious.<br /><br />We went in for our first ultrasound at 5 weeks. It was so early that they were only looking for the sac to make sure it was in the uterus. Luckily things looked good and there was one beautiful little sac. I was a little disappointed that there was only one, but how on earth could I not be thrilled with a little baby in there. That day my progesterone came in at 202.<br /><br />We went back for our second ultrasound at 6 weeks. We were checking for a yolk sac but I was praying so hard that we would see an early heartbeat. That's when we got the shock of our lives. Dr. D started the ultrasound and passed over the sac and mentioned that it was much larger than the week before. Then he moved on and there was another sac. He didn't say anything and I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me. After checking both sacs several times he said, "it's twins." Those were the most beautiful words I've ever heard. I got a little teary and J started laughing uncontrollably and then he started sweating all over. LOL. I couldn't believe how happy he was. It was precious. We were on cloud nine.<br /><br />Now J's been walking around for a week shouting twins and then laughing. It's so cute! I'm just as happy but I'm scared out of my mind. We're preparing to go back for our week 7 ultrasound tomorrow. We need to see the heartbeats. I've been going out of my mind worrying about it and saying lots and lots of prayers.Marleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18442267579506776293noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4854595959324602660.post-79985560036097209692008-10-25T11:09:00.000-07:002008-10-25T11:23:25.542-07:00Beta #2 = 415!!!!!!!!!I am so so so happy with my second beta number. I'm still in total shock. I just can't believe this could actually be working for us. We had to tell my mom and J's parents and sister. They knew the approximate schedule so they were starting to ask lots of questions. We didn't think we could keep them in suspense any longer. I actually got really strange about telling them. I didn't want anyone to know yet. Things can still go so bad but I guess we would need their support anyways. Both of our moms cried, his sister was super excited, and his dad told us to cancel the party that we have planed for next weekend. (guys are funny)<br /><br />My contentment was short lived because of the onset of a horrible migraine. When it comes to pregnancy I view migraines as the kiss of death. With both chemical pregnancies I've come down with a horrible migraine just as my <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">HCG</span> started to tank. So, of course to me and migraine = miscarriage. I suffered quite a bit for the last 2 days. The first night I took <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">oxyc</span>.<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">odone</span> (approved by <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">dr</span>) and it helped take the edge off of my head but it still hurt and I felt drunk. Yesterday I took a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">vico</span>.din (also approved by <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">dr</span>) and it did absolutely nothing for me. I spent the afternoon laying in the dark with ice on my head trying not to throw up. I came out of the dark at 6:30 for my <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">proge</span>.<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">sterone</span> shot and then went back to bed. I got up again at 10:30 to try to eat some dinner. I managed to eat a tomato, grabbed another cold ice pack and went back to sleep. I think I slept for about 13 hrs to conquer that headache. There has to be a better way.<br /><br />Luckily I felt much better this morning. We got up and went straight to the doctor's office for my 3rd and final beta. I am sitting here scared out of my mind that it's going to be bad news. Come on phone, ring!!!Marleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18442267579506776293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4854595959324602660.post-11024002011029014832008-10-22T19:57:00.000-07:002008-10-22T20:11:59.605-07:00Beta #1 = 186!!!!!!!!!!This is the best anniversary present I could have ever imagined! I'm on cloud nine! Dr. D called me himself and he sounded so pleased with the results and happy to finally be delivering good news. My progesterone is 196. That is actually giving me more comfort than the beta.<br /><br />There is no way I can wrap my brain around this yet. It's far too fresh and delicate. I'm so terrified of my second beta tomorrow. I was fairly calm going into the first beta because I was pretty sure that something would show up after the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">hpts</span>. Now I have no way at all to guess if it's doubling as it should. I have never ever ever had a beta go up. This is the part where I start getting really scared. The wait tomorrow will be far harder than yesterday. I'm not <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">complaining</span> though. This is a much better position than I've ever been in before.<br /><br />Wow, what a blessing!! J is so happy and scared too. I've been trying to keep our parents in the dark about our beta date. I told my mom that I couldn't tell her the date because it would stress me out. J's parents started asking him today if I've <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">POAS</span>. That's very unlike them so they must be really worried for us. He told them that we would know tomorrow. I was hoping to hold everyone off until our 3rd beta but that's okay. I'm glad they're all excited.Marleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18442267579506776293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4854595959324602660.post-8575110901079335282008-10-20T21:22:00.000-07:002008-10-20T21:41:49.812-07:00Well, this is differentI tested again this morning and the line is getting to be sort of impressive. I'm not sure how to describe it, but it really isn't that much lighter than the control line. It's so different from my previous chemical pregnancies. I've been carrying my test around with me all day like a psycho because I can't believe it. I think I've shown it to DH about a hundred times.<br /><br />Tomorrow is the big day. I'll go in for my beta at 8:30. I am so so nervous about it. I'm praying that it's over 100 so I can go into my second beta with a little confidence. Tomorrow is also our anniversary so hopefully that will bring us lots of good luck.Marleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18442267579506776293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4854595959324602660.post-64328841402611159052008-10-19T22:06:00.000-07:002008-10-20T21:21:51.521-07:008dp5dt: Digital Says PregnantWell, I made it a couple of days without testing. Then I started thinking that my positive test might be a fluke. I decided to <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">POAS</span> tonight and see if I could get a good result out of a digital. I am so extremely relieved that it was positive!!! <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Yay</span>.<br /><br />I've been blown away by the amount of cramps that I have had for the last few days. These cramps are like my worst AF cramps. They get especially bad when I lay down at night. I would think that they are period cramps for sure but they've been going on for days and I never get cramps until CD1. Since this is something I've never experienced with my chemical pregnancies, I'm hoping that this is a good sign for strong implantation.Marleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18442267579506776293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4854595959324602660.post-85551135737433056012008-10-17T17:28:00.000-07:002008-10-17T21:22:16.400-07:006dp5dt = Happiness!!!!!!I guess I spoke too soon with my last post. I thought I was feeling calm about the whole process but that all changed when I got into bed last night. I started thinking about what would happen to us if this <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">IVF</span> doesn't work. I've thought of if a million times before but last night the weight of it all seemed like too much. Of course I had an estrogen melt down and a few tears were shed. J and I agreed that if this one doesn't work we will have HUGE decisions to make. Our RE has done everything he can for us. Now it's time to sink or swim.<br /><br />No surprise that after our conversation I couldn't sleep at all. I was tossing and turning all night. I woke up this morning needing to pee and totally torn about testing. I stayed in bed forever trying to decide what to do and I finally decided that I was better off testing. I thought that if I didn't test I would spend the whole day stressing out and possibly crying about this whole mess.<br /><br />I told myself about 20 times that it's only 6<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">dp</span>5<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">dt</span> so I won't see anything and then I <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">POAS</span>. I put down the test and brushed my teeth. When I picked it back up there were 2 lines<strong>. TWO LINES</strong>!!!!!! It had only been a minute and the line was super light, so I thought, okay this is a good start. Then I was shocked when over the next couple of minutes it kept getting darker. I said a quick prayer and went downstairs to find J. I pulled the stick out of my pocket and he looked a little <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">panicked</span>. Then he saw the two beautiful lines and he couldn't stop hugging me.<br /><br />This is just the ray of hope that we needed. We have a long long way to go before I will believe that this might be real. I just feel so blessed to get this great news today. I'm going to spend the next few days praying my heart out and trying not to <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">POAS</span> again.Marleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18442267579506776293noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4854595959324602660.post-20275327352510447122008-10-15T13:28:00.000-07:002008-10-15T13:38:06.331-07:00IVF #4: 4dp5dtI need to report on an earth shattering development: <strong>I don't want to test</strong>! For the first time in the history of my infertility, I don't want to test. I'm perfectly happy hanging on to this dream a little longer.<br /><br />No symptoms to report yet. I've had some very very very mild cramping but nothing to get excited about. I've been thinking about my typical spotting. My 2 chemical pregnancies are the only 2 cycles in my life that I haven't spotted. So far I don't have any spotting but it's still really early.Marleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18442267579506776293noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4854595959324602660.post-90632029710966582962008-10-12T21:00:00.000-07:002008-10-12T22:05:34.984-07:00Transfer: It's a girl!!...and a boy...and a girl!<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibz3_dSbMVzgXRhjXDEi7qzBWQJDGkCLh1EO9Kk4PnjFlp330T62dsBqXH5nz_O3wV1cMeRZqNZ2A7qXOeY415nHwdX_1tHn53uRdd25xx7Jxh94_WwP4b-AFvSEkTLjM3PYUQhTHASpM1/s1600-h/Transfer+Photos+101108.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5256499400031769330" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibz3_dSbMVzgXRhjXDEi7qzBWQJDGkCLh1EO9Kk4PnjFlp330T62dsBqXH5nz_O3wV1cMeRZqNZ2A7qXOeY415nHwdX_1tHn53uRdd25xx7Jxh94_WwP4b-AFvSEkTLjM3PYUQhTHASpM1/s400/Transfer+Photos+101108.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div><div>Yesterdays transfer turned out so much better than I expected. I went in at 9:30 for acupuncture. Things went quickly and I got all set up with the needles but still no word on our embryos. My acupuncturist didn't want us to be tortured anymore so she went off to find the embryologist and get the number. She came back happy and told us that we have 3 "normal" embryos. Huge, giant exhale. Ideally I was hoping for 4 but 3 made me perfectly happy.</div><br /><div>After acupuncture, Dr. D came in with our PGD report to discuss the results. We all decided without any hesitation that all 3 embryos would be transferred. He held the information on a clipboard. It listed the findings from all 8 embryos with the 3 good embryos highlighted. He explained that the findings were good. The 5 abnormal embryos each had a different problem. One had Down Synd.rome. I can't remember the names or the other abnormalities. He thought that the ratio of normal vs. abnormal was well within acceptable range. Thank you God!</div><br /><div>Then the shock came. He gave us the report on our normal embryos. He said "the first embryo is a normal hatching blastocyst female, the second is a normal morula male, and the third is a normal morula female." He just blurted out the genders of our embryos before we could even stop him. I wanted to be mad but the information was so exciting that I couldn't wipe the stupid grin off my face. Two girls and a boy! Absolutely amazing that we have that information. It brought everything that we are doing back into focus and let me imagine for a moment what could come of this if it works. It was a mistake on his part and I'm surprised to say that I'm so glad he made it. </div><div><br /></div><div>The transfer went smoothly after that. Our beautiful embryos are home. </div></div>Marleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18442267579506776293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4854595959324602660.post-5359668650324592322008-10-10T19:38:00.000-07:002008-10-10T19:54:56.870-07:00Eight is EnoughEight is more than enough actually. Wow, what a blessing! All 8 of our little embryos were going strong on day 3. I was shocked that every single one was fighting through. They were all between 7 and 10 cells on day 3. Dr. D decided to biopsy all of them and send the cells off to San Fran.<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">cisco</span> for <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">PGD</span>. <br /><br />I am so thankful that we made it past the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">PGD</span> hurdle. We have been praying that we would be able to do the testing to increase our odds. Now I'm terrified to hear the results. Chances are that about half of the embryos will be "good". I can't help but think about what will happen if they're all bad, or 95% bad. Oh boy.<br /><br />We'll find out the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">PGD</span> results when we go in for our transfer tomorrow morning. We have to be there at 9:30. It's such an amazing feeling to think that tomorrow our <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">embies</span> will be back with me. Oh please God, let them hang on tight this time!Marleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18442267579506776293noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4854595959324602660.post-37505481274086282922008-10-09T09:34:00.000-07:002008-10-09T09:45:53.076-07:00IVF #4: Fertilization ReportThis news came the day after retrieval but I've taken a few days to post it. Out of our 13 eggs only 8 fertilized with <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">ICIS</span>. There is a 9<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">th</span> that is still being watched for late fertilization. I was hoping for a higher number but I'm glad that we have something to work with. Now I'm waiting on more news about <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">PGD</span>. We need 7 strong day 3 <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">embies</span> to do <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">PGD</span>.<br /><br />I've been feeling like crap since my retrieval. My abdomen is so bloated and sore. I know it will be fine with time. I've been laying low and keeping a heating pad on it for the last few days.<br /><br />Last night J and I went out to dinner with some friends and their baby. They didn't know about our <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">TTC</span>. We let them in on a little bit of our story but didn't tell them about <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">IVF</span>. It honestly sucked. She got pregnant with their baby after I was already well into infertility treatments. Now the baby is 6 months old. Don't get me <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">wrong</span>, I'm happy for them and wish them nothing but the best, but I am in no mood lately to sit around and gush about how beautiful and perfect and happy their son is. I'm such a mean person.Marleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18442267579506776293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4854595959324602660.post-70415131022730300142008-10-07T17:32:00.000-07:002008-10-07T17:44:29.425-07:00IVF #4: Egg RetrievalMy egg retrieval went smoothly yesterday. I felt less anxious about it than I have in the past. I absolutely hate IVs but I think I'm getting more comfortable with the process. That said, I'm also getting very tired of the process.<br /><br />When I woke up in post op I found out that they were able to get 13 eggs. Not great but not bad enough to bring on tears. I felt more beat up this time around. The nurse gave me something through my IV for the pain and it did nothing. She kept telling me just to take <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">tyl.enol</span> when I get home. I HATE that my doctor won't give any pain <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">meds</span> until you are already in a great deal of pain. So they sent me away while I was hurting. By the time we got half way home I was having awful stabbing pains on my right side. An hour after I got home I started taking leftover <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">vico</span>.din while calling my RE and asking for something to help. That's exactly why I keep leftovers around. If I played by my doctor's rules I would be sitting around dying for hours before getting any help. <br /><br />Anyway, I laid in bed all day feeling like crap. I couldn't sleep all day because I was too uncomfortable. By 9:00 pm I had a migraine so out came the ice packs. At 11:30 I took <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">tyl.enol</span> pm to put me out of my misery. Fun day.Marleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18442267579506776293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4854595959324602660.post-47232944075940904452008-10-05T17:05:00.000-07:002008-10-05T17:51:09.174-07:00IVF #4: Triggered!After my last post I was ready to trigger, in my mind. When Dr. D wanted me to <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">stim</span> another day that was fine. Then when he wanted me to <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">stim</span> for a 10<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">th</span> day I had a total meltdown. I think all the estrogen took over and I got really upset. I didn't want anymore shots in the stomach and I didn't want the process to get pushed back for another day. I understand that <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">stimming</span> for 10 days is totally normal but I was being rational. That extra day of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">stims</span> mean that we had to miss a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">MLB</span> playoff game (poor J) and miss my <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">BFF</span> in town from out of state (poor me). Sigh. <br /><br />From my last <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">follie</span> scan it looks like there will be 14 to aspirate. I'm praying that we'll have at least 12 eggs but I'm hoping for 15. I keep <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">forgetting</span> to ask about my last E2. I'm pretty sure it's over 3000. <br /><br />Luckily I've been able to fight off the sinus infection :) I still don't feel perfect, but much better than I did. <br /><br />So last night was the trigger. We shot up the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">ganerel</span>.ix at 6:00 and the went out for a nice dinner. It was great to have a little date night. Then we came home did the trigger. It was hilarious. I am terrible about taking shots. J has to move quickly before I have a chance to panic. We both were a little confused about where the shot should go (I usually have the nurse mark my hip). Anyway I pointed out the spot......<br /><br />:::Disclaimer: I have a couple of random freckles on my butt cheek. I have no idea why God put them there but they have been sort of helpful for injections.::::: <br /><br />......I pointed to a freckle that is high on the outside of my hip and said "that's the spot, remember?" He said okay and went to town with the shot. I almost jumped out of my skin when he injected it <strong>in the middle of my butt cheek</strong>!! It wasn't even close to where it <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">should have</span> been. I was scared that it was going to hit my nerve but we lucked out and didn't have a problem. I asked him what the heck he was doing and said, "aiming for the freckle, like you said". I cranked my head around to examine my butt and see what on earth was talking about. It turned out he was aiming at the wrong freckle on a totally different hemisphere of my butt. How funny is that? We should not be trusted with this stuff.Marleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18442267579506776293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4854595959324602660.post-495393710224971572008-10-01T17:56:00.000-07:002008-10-01T18:08:21.017-07:00IVF #4: Stim Day 8I had another ultrasound this morning and now I'll have one everyday. I had 10 measurable follies on the right and 4 (much smaller) on the left. (Come on lefty! You can do it!) Dr. D is still telling me this this cycle is very much like our last fresh round. That's good news for stimming and ER. After 7 days of stims my estrogen is 1363 up from 735 two days ago. I'm still on 225 folli.stim.<br /><br />What's not so sweet is the sinus infection that just hit me. I felt awful yesterday when I woke up and spent the whole day in my pjs. Today wasn't much better. I got a few things done but I have a low fever and feel like crap. It caught me off guard. I haven't been sick in almost 3 years. I didn't think it was even possible when I'm already on antibiotics an steroids. Of course, my only concern is that I'm going to get so sick that my cycle will be canceled. I don't even want to think about that. Scary!<br /><br />I'm also having a sudden and very real fear of our PGD. All along I've been thinking that PGD would help us sort our embryos. Now I'm realizing that I shouldn't assume that we will have any normal embryos, much less a selection. I need to prepare myself for the worst because the PGD could lead to some very very bad news. Of course, it could also lead to a great chance for increased odds. That's what we're praying for. I just have to tell myself that even if the news is bad, it is better to know about it now.Marleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18442267579506776293noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4854595959324602660.post-59991530303550119992008-09-29T17:17:00.000-07:002008-09-29T17:36:53.835-07:00IVF #4: Moving right alongI had my second <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">stim</span> check this morning. This time Dr. D measured 7 follies on the right and 4 on the left. All on the left are considerably smaller. I went straight to acupuncture and she tried to "wake up" my left ovary. I guess we will see. My left has always been the under <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">performer</span> since it keeps getting wrapped up in <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">endo</span>.<br /><br />My E2 level is 780 and Dr. D is pleased with that. He said that my progress this time is almost identical to my last fresh cycle. I would be happy if we ended up with the same egg count (18). I don't want to get my hopes too high. The most important thing is getting enough embryos for <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">PGD</span>. I think they will do it if we have 6-7 <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">embies</span>.<br /><br />Over the last 24 hrs I've been sabotaging my own <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">folli</span>.<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">stim</span> supply. It's like I'm working with half a brain. When it was time for my shot yesterday I had some major confusion about which <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">folli</span>.<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">stim</span> pen (yes, I have tons of them) is the right one. I don't know why I have old pens sitting around with old <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">meds</span> in them. Disaster waiting to happen. I finally decided that I was about 95% sure that I had the right pen. After I mixed the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">meds</span> I expected the cartridge to be empty. It wasn't, so I started second guessing myself. I opened the pen and took out the cartridge to get a closer look. Of course, I dropped it on the floor and shattered the bottom half of the cartridge. Great! This stuff is like liquid gold and I'm ruining it. I think I can still finish the rest of the broken vial. The glass is broken below the plunger but the portion housing the medicine is totally intact.<br /><br />I only have one unopened box of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">folli</span>.<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">stim</span> left. Today my nurse told me that I would need more. I needed to order it today to avoid a problem. Here's a shocker, I forgot to order it. I'm such a moron. It's not like I was busy doing brain surgery today. It was so simple and I forgot. Ugh, I think I can get through with the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">meds</span> that I have but it will be down to the drop.Marleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18442267579506776293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4854595959324602660.post-85621958178478600002008-09-27T12:52:00.000-07:002008-09-27T13:07:28.416-07:00IVF #4: First Stim CheckI was a little surprised today when I had my meeting with my second husband, aka, the ultrasound wand. I've only had 3 days of stims but I'm already getting really sore and tender around my ovaries. The ultrasound was really uncomfortable. <br /><br />The follies on my left ovary were still too small to measure but my right side already has some action. They measured 5 follies and one was already at 15. It actually had me a little worried but the nurse assured me that I'm not stimming too fast. I felt much better when I found out that Dr. D wants to keep me on 225 units of Follistim. If he wants my dosage to stay the same then he must like what is happening, at least that's what I hope.<br /><br />The crappy part is that I have to start mixing in luv.eris and also taking ganar.elix shots tonight. I'm scared of the ganar.elix needles. They are pre-filled syringes and the needles suck. Last time the needles always wanted to bounce off of my skin. They never went in smoothly. Sometimes it took a few tries and by then the needles were so dull. Yikes! Ok, I'm not going to think about it because it has to be done. Without the ganar.elix I could loose my big follies and we can't let that happen.Marleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18442267579506776293noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4854595959324602660.post-89342936551295289302008-09-26T14:55:00.000-07:002008-09-26T15:11:43.279-07:00IVF #4 is a go!!!!!!I am so so happy that we avoided another delay and were cleared to start <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">IVF</span> #4. My day 3 ultrasound showed 8 tiny follies on each ovary. I was thrilled out of my mind that my <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">FSH</span> went back down this month. My <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">FSH</span> level was checked early due to some confusion over my AF start date. My blood was taken on the day before CD1. Dr. D believed that it was close enough to count. The beautiful part was the number: 4.8. I'm sure on CD3 it would have been a little higher, but still. Gigantic exhale!<br /><br />Today is my third day of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Follistim</span> (225 units). Tomorrow morning we will go in for my first <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">follie</span> check. Something happened with my second injection last night. I think J hit a blood vessel b/c I have the biggest bruise I've ever had from an injection. It's dark purple, raised, and about the size of a quarter. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Hmmmm</span>.<br /><br />I'm <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">fascinated</span> by the election right now and I'm spending lots of time following the campaigns. It's actually a great distraction to keep my mind off of IF. I wish I could watch the debate live tonight but we're going to a baseball game. I'll catch the playback later.Marleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18442267579506776293noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4854595959324602660.post-49064593954233280922008-09-22T17:01:00.000-07:002008-09-22T17:08:50.687-07:00Best Day EverJ sent me to the spa and it was a beautiful thing. I spent the whole day there :) I worked out in their gym then ate lunch by the pool. I had a <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Swedish</span> massage and then took a nap in my robe on a lounge chair. It doesn't get much better than that. It was a beautiful, perfect, sunny day and the ocean views were breath taking.<br /><br />It was so <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">therapeutic</span> because it's not just a spa. It's a magical place. It's the place that brought me to J and the place where we were engaged. It's our place. It reminds me of all that we have and how very lucky we are.Marleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18442267579506776293noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4854595959324602660.post-89175105409498401852008-09-14T18:36:00.000-07:002008-09-14T18:56:00.530-07:00One more week of break.I hate breaks. I hate breaks with a passion. I would so much rather be working through <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">IVF</span> and actively trying to do something to improve our situation. Breaks = sitting around thinking about our crappy situation and letting more time pass without children in our lives. I have one more week to wait it out before AF arrives. Now that I've said that I'm sure she'll be inexplicably late.<br /><br />I wanted to go to Houston this week to occupy my mind. <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Hurricane</span> Ike ruined those plans. What an <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">awful</span> mess! God bless everyone that's in Houston/Galveston right now. The aftermath of Ike is horrible.Marleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18442267579506776293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4854595959324602660.post-44904727033323786352008-09-08T17:51:00.000-07:002008-09-08T20:58:34.735-07:00RPL & KaryotypeWe finally got the results back from our blood tests. It took a few days longer than expected so we were starting to sweat it out. The results were underwhelming:<br /><br /><strong><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Karyotype</span></strong>: All results were normal. I have been thanking God continuously for this great news. I can't let this blessing go by without giving honor where it's due. I honestly didn't know if I had the strength to take on a major chromosomal issue. Luckily we were blessed with good results so we can cross the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">karyotype</span> off our list.<br /><br /><strong><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">RPL</span>: </strong>Again, all results were normal. This is where the emotions get confusing. I was honestly a little disappointed that nothing was found. I was surprised to hear my acupuncturist say that those feelings were justified and in my position she would also be pissed. At this point I'm just desperate for some answers. I want someone to tell us why I keep losing my pregnancies before I even have a chance to enjoy them. I know these things happen, but why twice in a row after all of this! I'm trying to convince myself that this is good news and I don't want another diagnosis (which is actually true). The only thing that these results have taught us is that we absolutely have to do <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">PGD</span> with our next <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">IVF</span>.Marleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18442267579506776293noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4854595959324602660.post-54770474683958229772008-09-03T21:44:00.000-07:002008-09-08T17:51:21.096-07:00All that we've lostThis always seems to happen on a break cycle but this one is hitting hard. The break gives me too much time to sit around and reflect on our journey, on all we've been through, on how much farther we'll have to go. I could never type long enough to cover all my thoughts/emotions on this topic. There are just no words that could <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">appropriately</span> convey the heartache and <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">sacrifice</span>. I can, however, list a few thoughts on all that IF has taken from us, things we can never get back.<br /><br />I've lost the chance to tell my husband, "I'm pregnant!", and see <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">surprise</span> and excitement on his face. Instead he has to hold my hand and watch me cry over bad betas and vanishing lines on pregnancy tests. Even if I do get a good beta, he will know better than to actually think it will result in a baby. Instead he will be bracing for bad news and the next heartbreaking blow that is sure to be around the corner.<br /><br />We've lost the chance to tell our families, "We're having a baby!", and see surprise and excitement on <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">their</span> faces. I wanted nothing more in life than to surprise our parents with the news of a new grandchild. That dream is long since gone. Instead of hearing good news from us they have to listen to month after month, cycle after cycle, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">IVF</span></span> after <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">IVF</span></span>, of disappointment and sadness. It's gone on so long that I don't know how much longer I should expect them to care. How much support can they possibly give? If I ever am able to get pregnant I will never be able to <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">surprise</span> them and see pure love and happiness on their faces. They know our treatment schedule. They know when to expect the news, and they know it's going to be bad. It's always, always bad.<br /><br />Finally, and most importantly, we've lost our innocence and everything that comes with it. I started thinking through all of these things today because something randomly reminded me of a time right before we started <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">TTC</span>. I will never ever forget the conversation we had about starting a family. J was ready to start trying much earlier than I expected and I was absolutely thrilled. I was full of hope, excitement, and something that eludes me lately; happiness. I remember at that time that any conversation about <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">TTC</span> would result in an ear to ear smile that would stay with me all day. It was our decision, our secret, our dream and our future. I always got butterflies in my stomach from the excitement I felt about becoming a mother and sharing that experience with my husband.<br /><br />I can hardly stand to compare my feelings about <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">TTC</span> at the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">beginning</span> of our journey to the emotions I associate with it now. We still have the same goal but everything else has changed. What we once thought was our decision, we now know is completely out of our hands. What was once our secret is now a public event, orchestrated by a team of medical professionals and reported in detail to our families and friends. What was once our future is now our failure. It's a crushing failure. How can a journey that once brought us so much joy and happiness now be so tainted by sorrow and heartache? It's hard to believe that we're still on the same road. The hardest thing is knowing that I can't go back. I will never be the innocent <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">TTCer</span> that has unprotected sex with my husband, waits 2 weeks, gets a positive test, and <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">truly</span> believes that I will have a healthy baby in 9 months (it's so ludicrous it's actually making me laugh). It's never gonna happen. Even if I were ever lucky enough to become pregnant, I would never ever be confident in expecting the pregnancy to be successful.<br /><br />I know that these losses are minor in comparison to more important things that can be lost in life. They aren't even the biggest losses of the year for me. I don't let a day go by without thanking God for all the things that I haven't lost, all of the things that I have to be thankful for. It's those things that keep me going.Marleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18442267579506776293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4854595959324602660.post-25118265663213647772008-08-26T20:11:00.000-07:002008-08-26T20:32:26.977-07:00It came crashing down.Just when I think our situation can't get any worse, it does. Today started out with so much hope and ended with an absolutely crushing blow. Dr. D called me himself to give me the results of this mornings blood work. I knew it was a bad sign when I heard him on the phone. He told me that my thyroid is normal (<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">yay</span>), and my beta is negative (double <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">yay</span>), but my <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">FSH</span> is elevated (W.T.F). <br /><br />He said that my <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">FSH</span> is a 12.7. It's ALWAYS been below a 6. He said that the number is so high that it isn't worth pursuing an <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">IVF</span> this cycle. I can come in next month and hopefully try then. He expects my <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">FSH</span> to go back down and then we will be able to continue treatment. He didn't seem overly concerned which was a stark contrast to the sheer panic and emotional outburst I was experiencing.<br /><br />I know what a high <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">FSH</span> means. I'm not new to this game. It's a devastating prognosis. It's like my ovaries are turning in their "two weeks notice". So where the hell did this come from?? Why is it suddenly so high. He said it's not surprising coming off of a chemical pregnancy. I asked him if it was caused by the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">CP</span> and he said no. I have no idea where this leaves me. I'm devastated. <br /><br />It's absolutely blowing my mind that in addition to my advanced <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">endo</span> I'm now dealing with elevated <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">FSH</span> at the age of 30. 30!! Thirty freaking years old by one month! I have no idea how I'm going to get through the next month, two months, rest of my life. I've put EVERYTHING in my life on hold for these treatments. I want out.Marleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18442267579506776293noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4854595959324602660.post-16212051143248321912008-08-26T09:12:00.000-07:002008-08-26T10:48:21.745-07:00WTF IndeedWe had quite a conversation with our RE yesterday. It was the follow up to my chemical. I was fully prepared to go in there and convince him of all the reason why I should have a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">RPL</span>. Instead he told us how sorry he was, sat us down, and began explaining all the reasons why he thought we needed an <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">RPL</span>. It happens this way with him every time. We are always on the same page and I never need to say a word. I feel lucky to have a doctor like him.<br /><br />He wants us to go into another fresh <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">IVF</span> cycle and through 3 steps to try to avoid another chemical pregnancy. First is the repeated pregnancy loss testing. That involves testing thyroid, antibodies, and blood clotting. His office runs a 4 part screen for <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">RPL</span>. That isn't the most thorough in the world but it's a good start. He claims that any problems uncovered in an <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">RPL</span> will be treatable.<br /><br />Our second step is <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">karyotyping</span>. It's a blood test run on both of us to check for chromosomal abnormalities. I thought that this was unnecessary for us since we are able to produce healthy blasts but I was wrong. We could still have <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">karyotype</span> issues. He says that there is only a 2% chance of finding something there. Some <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">karyotype</span> problems can be solved with <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">PGD</span> but others are untreatable and would require the use of donor eggs or sperm (terrifying).<br /><br />If we don't find anything on either test (which is likely) we will move on to the third step: <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">PGD</span>. It's the genetic testing of one cell from each embryo on day 3. We wouldn't be doing it to look for problems necessarily, but to be able to transfer ALL of the genetically normal embryos in one shot, on a fresh cycle. It would give us the best possible odds.<br /><br />That leads me to the shocker of the day. He said that the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">PGD</span> would help sort out our embryos so we could transfer 6 or 7 of the best. Holy cow! 6 or 7!! I started laughing like a crazy person every time he said it and I don't even know why. I think I was scared and absolutely stunned that at my age my doctor is willing to do that. Am I really that bad? Am I really that infertile? The sad part is that I'm okay with transferring that many. If that's what it takes to get me pregnant then so be it. J was thrilled with the idea. He would transfer 20 <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">embies</span> if he could :)<br /><br />We asked if it's time to start discussing third party reproduction (again, terrifying). He touched on a couple of options then went on to tell us that we aren't there yet and we "need to keep our eye on the ball", meaning our next <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">IVF</span>. Then he told us that he still <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">truly</span> believes that it will work and I will get pregnant. He's not the type of doctor to give us any fluff or try to make us feel good so that really hit home with me. <br /><br />All of this was very exciting and brought back a little hope for us. Unfortunately it all hinges on one thing, my beta. If my beta results from this morning come back above a 5 then I won't be able to do <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_14">IVF</span> this cycle. It will be a scheduling disaster for us and an emotional nightmare. I'm hoping with everything in me that my beta will be zero. There is NO WAY I can sit out this month! For the record, they drew 7 vials of blood this morning. I'm so glad I don't have to do that again.Marleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18442267579506776293noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4854595959324602660.post-81851330681969788132008-08-24T21:49:00.000-07:002008-08-24T22:20:26.343-07:00Picking up the piecesOld <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">faithful</span> showed up today. That's right, AF came along while we were sitting in church this morning. I've been telling myself that I'm lucky because it only took 4 days for her to come after my last beta. At least I can move on quickly. I'll take what I can get a this point. <br /><br />So this is considered cycle day 1 for <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">IVF</span> #4. It's a place that I never in wildest dreams thought I would be. This is so surreal. It just so happens that after pleading with the nurse, tomorrow is the first available time that Dr. D could see us for our <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">WTF</span> appointment. Well, she gave us the choice between tomorrow and September 9<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">th</span>. Comical! So we will have a conversation with Dr.D about everything we are going to do going forward. I know that we won't have to take a break cycle after my chem <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">preg</span>. That was a huge relief. We need to move quickly while my <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">endo</span> is cleared out. <br /><br />I'm going to do everything I can to get Dr. D to run a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">RPL</span> on me. After my <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">conversation</span> with one of the nurses it doesn't sound like he is interested in doing it but I'm hoping I can convince him otherwise. Two miscarriages is enough for me, even if they were very early. I'm willing to do anything possible to keep from going through another. How can <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">drs</span> make you wait for 3 before running a panel? It seems cruel. The strange thing is that I don't even expect anything to be found on the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">RPL</span>. I just want it done for peace of mind.<br /><br />I think he's planning for this cycle to be just like our last fresh <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">IVF</span>. He expects a positive result this time because of my recent lap. I'm okay with the protocol. We got great embryos last time. I'm really concerned about what options we will have left if this fails. I don't think I can go through with this <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">IVF</span> without knowing what's waiting at the end. Of course, behind door #1 is the elusive <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">BFP</span>, but I have to know what's behind door #2. For the first time in this entire journey I honestly don't know what's waiting there. It's so scary and just thinking about it makes me feel so defeated.<br /><br />I haven't written much about my chemical/failure last cycle. I was so upset when the first beta came in low. It was an awful day. Since then I've been stuffing my emotions and pressing forward. I didn't shed a single tear when got the bad news about the second beta. I still haven't. I can't. This journey has been so unbearably <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">heart wrenching</span>. I just can't process anymore sorrow. I've been silently drowning in heartache for the last 2 years and I just can't do it anymore. Not the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_14">IVF</span>, the heartache. I can't do it. So for now I choose not to feel it. I'm ignoring the pain and moving on. I'm sure there are therapists out there that could give me thousands of reasons why that's not healthy, but I don't care. It's the only defense mechanism I have left. Will the sad reality come crashing down on me like a ton of bricks? I'm sure it will. But did I make it through this sh!<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_15">tty</span> week without any tears? Damn sure did!Marleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18442267579506776293noreply@blogger.com2