I had my second stim check this morning. This time Dr. D measured 7 follies on the right and 4 on the left. All on the left are considerably smaller. I went straight to acupuncture and she tried to "wake up" my left ovary. I guess we will see. My left has always been the under performer since it keeps getting wrapped up in endo.
My E2 level is 780 and Dr. D is pleased with that. He said that my progress this time is almost identical to my last fresh cycle. I would be happy if we ended up with the same egg count (18). I don't want to get my hopes too high. The most important thing is getting enough embryos for PGD. I think they will do it if we have 6-7 embies.
Over the last 24 hrs I've been sabotaging my own folli.stim supply. It's like I'm working with half a brain. When it was time for my shot yesterday I had some major confusion about which folli.stim pen (yes, I have tons of them) is the right one. I don't know why I have old pens sitting around with old meds in them. Disaster waiting to happen. I finally decided that I was about 95% sure that I had the right pen. After I mixed the meds I expected the cartridge to be empty. It wasn't, so I started second guessing myself. I opened the pen and took out the cartridge to get a closer look. Of course, I dropped it on the floor and shattered the bottom half of the cartridge. Great! This stuff is like liquid gold and I'm ruining it. I think I can still finish the rest of the broken vial. The glass is broken below the plunger but the portion housing the medicine is totally intact.
I only have one unopened box of folli.stim left. Today my nurse told me that I would need more. I needed to order it today to avoid a problem. Here's a shocker, I forgot to order it. I'm such a moron. It's not like I was busy doing brain surgery today. It was so simple and I forgot. Ugh, I think I can get through with the meds that I have but it will be down to the drop.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Saturday, September 27, 2008
IVF #4: First Stim Check
I was a little surprised today when I had my meeting with my second husband, aka, the ultrasound wand. I've only had 3 days of stims but I'm already getting really sore and tender around my ovaries. The ultrasound was really uncomfortable.
The follies on my left ovary were still too small to measure but my right side already has some action. They measured 5 follies and one was already at 15. It actually had me a little worried but the nurse assured me that I'm not stimming too fast. I felt much better when I found out that Dr. D wants to keep me on 225 units of Follistim. If he wants my dosage to stay the same then he must like what is happening, at least that's what I hope.
The crappy part is that I have to start mixing in luv.eris and also taking ganar.elix shots tonight. I'm scared of the ganar.elix needles. They are pre-filled syringes and the needles suck. Last time the needles always wanted to bounce off of my skin. They never went in smoothly. Sometimes it took a few tries and by then the needles were so dull. Yikes! Ok, I'm not going to think about it because it has to be done. Without the ganar.elix I could loose my big follies and we can't let that happen.
The follies on my left ovary were still too small to measure but my right side already has some action. They measured 5 follies and one was already at 15. It actually had me a little worried but the nurse assured me that I'm not stimming too fast. I felt much better when I found out that Dr. D wants to keep me on 225 units of Follistim. If he wants my dosage to stay the same then he must like what is happening, at least that's what I hope.
The crappy part is that I have to start mixing in luv.eris and also taking ganar.elix shots tonight. I'm scared of the ganar.elix needles. They are pre-filled syringes and the needles suck. Last time the needles always wanted to bounce off of my skin. They never went in smoothly. Sometimes it took a few tries and by then the needles were so dull. Yikes! Ok, I'm not going to think about it because it has to be done. Without the ganar.elix I could loose my big follies and we can't let that happen.
Friday, September 26, 2008
IVF #4 is a go!!!!!!
I am so so happy that we avoided another delay and were cleared to start IVF #4. My day 3 ultrasound showed 8 tiny follies on each ovary. I was thrilled out of my mind that my FSH went back down this month. My FSH level was checked early due to some confusion over my AF start date. My blood was taken on the day before CD1. Dr. D believed that it was close enough to count. The beautiful part was the number: 4.8. I'm sure on CD3 it would have been a little higher, but still. Gigantic exhale!
Today is my third day of Follistim (225 units). Tomorrow morning we will go in for my first follie check. Something happened with my second injection last night. I think J hit a blood vessel b/c I have the biggest bruise I've ever had from an injection. It's dark purple, raised, and about the size of a quarter. Hmmmm.
I'm fascinated by the election right now and I'm spending lots of time following the campaigns. It's actually a great distraction to keep my mind off of IF. I wish I could watch the debate live tonight but we're going to a baseball game. I'll catch the playback later.
Today is my third day of Follistim (225 units). Tomorrow morning we will go in for my first follie check. Something happened with my second injection last night. I think J hit a blood vessel b/c I have the biggest bruise I've ever had from an injection. It's dark purple, raised, and about the size of a quarter. Hmmmm.
I'm fascinated by the election right now and I'm spending lots of time following the campaigns. It's actually a great distraction to keep my mind off of IF. I wish I could watch the debate live tonight but we're going to a baseball game. I'll catch the playback later.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Best Day Ever
J sent me to the spa and it was a beautiful thing. I spent the whole day there :) I worked out in their gym then ate lunch by the pool. I had a Swedish massage and then took a nap in my robe on a lounge chair. It doesn't get much better than that. It was a beautiful, perfect, sunny day and the ocean views were breath taking.
It was so therapeutic because it's not just a spa. It's a magical place. It's the place that brought me to J and the place where we were engaged. It's our place. It reminds me of all that we have and how very lucky we are.
It was so therapeutic because it's not just a spa. It's a magical place. It's the place that brought me to J and the place where we were engaged. It's our place. It reminds me of all that we have and how very lucky we are.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
One more week of break.
I hate breaks. I hate breaks with a passion. I would so much rather be working through IVF and actively trying to do something to improve our situation. Breaks = sitting around thinking about our crappy situation and letting more time pass without children in our lives. I have one more week to wait it out before AF arrives. Now that I've said that I'm sure she'll be inexplicably late.
I wanted to go to Houston this week to occupy my mind. Hurricane Ike ruined those plans. What an awful mess! God bless everyone that's in Houston/Galveston right now. The aftermath of Ike is horrible.
I wanted to go to Houston this week to occupy my mind. Hurricane Ike ruined those plans. What an awful mess! God bless everyone that's in Houston/Galveston right now. The aftermath of Ike is horrible.
Monday, September 8, 2008
RPL & Karyotype
We finally got the results back from our blood tests. It took a few days longer than expected so we were starting to sweat it out. The results were underwhelming:
Karyotype: All results were normal. I have been thanking God continuously for this great news. I can't let this blessing go by without giving honor where it's due. I honestly didn't know if I had the strength to take on a major chromosomal issue. Luckily we were blessed with good results so we can cross the karyotype off our list.
RPL: Again, all results were normal. This is where the emotions get confusing. I was honestly a little disappointed that nothing was found. I was surprised to hear my acupuncturist say that those feelings were justified and in my position she would also be pissed. At this point I'm just desperate for some answers. I want someone to tell us why I keep losing my pregnancies before I even have a chance to enjoy them. I know these things happen, but why twice in a row after all of this! I'm trying to convince myself that this is good news and I don't want another diagnosis (which is actually true). The only thing that these results have taught us is that we absolutely have to do PGD with our next IVF.
Karyotype: All results were normal. I have been thanking God continuously for this great news. I can't let this blessing go by without giving honor where it's due. I honestly didn't know if I had the strength to take on a major chromosomal issue. Luckily we were blessed with good results so we can cross the karyotype off our list.
RPL: Again, all results were normal. This is where the emotions get confusing. I was honestly a little disappointed that nothing was found. I was surprised to hear my acupuncturist say that those feelings were justified and in my position she would also be pissed. At this point I'm just desperate for some answers. I want someone to tell us why I keep losing my pregnancies before I even have a chance to enjoy them. I know these things happen, but why twice in a row after all of this! I'm trying to convince myself that this is good news and I don't want another diagnosis (which is actually true). The only thing that these results have taught us is that we absolutely have to do PGD with our next IVF.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
All that we've lost
This always seems to happen on a break cycle but this one is hitting hard. The break gives me too much time to sit around and reflect on our journey, on all we've been through, on how much farther we'll have to go. I could never type long enough to cover all my thoughts/emotions on this topic. There are just no words that could appropriately convey the heartache and sacrifice. I can, however, list a few thoughts on all that IF has taken from us, things we can never get back.
I've lost the chance to tell my husband, "I'm pregnant!", and see surprise and excitement on his face. Instead he has to hold my hand and watch me cry over bad betas and vanishing lines on pregnancy tests. Even if I do get a good beta, he will know better than to actually think it will result in a baby. Instead he will be bracing for bad news and the next heartbreaking blow that is sure to be around the corner.
We've lost the chance to tell our families, "We're having a baby!", and see surprise and excitement on their faces. I wanted nothing more in life than to surprise our parents with the news of a new grandchild. That dream is long since gone. Instead of hearing good news from us they have to listen to month after month, cycle after cycle, IVF after IVF, of disappointment and sadness. It's gone on so long that I don't know how much longer I should expect them to care. How much support can they possibly give? If I ever am able to get pregnant I will never be able to surprise them and see pure love and happiness on their faces. They know our treatment schedule. They know when to expect the news, and they know it's going to be bad. It's always, always bad.
Finally, and most importantly, we've lost our innocence and everything that comes with it. I started thinking through all of these things today because something randomly reminded me of a time right before we started TTC. I will never ever forget the conversation we had about starting a family. J was ready to start trying much earlier than I expected and I was absolutely thrilled. I was full of hope, excitement, and something that eludes me lately; happiness. I remember at that time that any conversation about TTC would result in an ear to ear smile that would stay with me all day. It was our decision, our secret, our dream and our future. I always got butterflies in my stomach from the excitement I felt about becoming a mother and sharing that experience with my husband.
I can hardly stand to compare my feelings about TTC at the beginning of our journey to the emotions I associate with it now. We still have the same goal but everything else has changed. What we once thought was our decision, we now know is completely out of our hands. What was once our secret is now a public event, orchestrated by a team of medical professionals and reported in detail to our families and friends. What was once our future is now our failure. It's a crushing failure. How can a journey that once brought us so much joy and happiness now be so tainted by sorrow and heartache? It's hard to believe that we're still on the same road. The hardest thing is knowing that I can't go back. I will never be the innocent TTCer that has unprotected sex with my husband, waits 2 weeks, gets a positive test, and truly believes that I will have a healthy baby in 9 months (it's so ludicrous it's actually making me laugh). It's never gonna happen. Even if I were ever lucky enough to become pregnant, I would never ever be confident in expecting the pregnancy to be successful.
I know that these losses are minor in comparison to more important things that can be lost in life. They aren't even the biggest losses of the year for me. I don't let a day go by without thanking God for all the things that I haven't lost, all of the things that I have to be thankful for. It's those things that keep me going.
I've lost the chance to tell my husband, "I'm pregnant!", and see surprise and excitement on his face. Instead he has to hold my hand and watch me cry over bad betas and vanishing lines on pregnancy tests. Even if I do get a good beta, he will know better than to actually think it will result in a baby. Instead he will be bracing for bad news and the next heartbreaking blow that is sure to be around the corner.
We've lost the chance to tell our families, "We're having a baby!", and see surprise and excitement on their faces. I wanted nothing more in life than to surprise our parents with the news of a new grandchild. That dream is long since gone. Instead of hearing good news from us they have to listen to month after month, cycle after cycle, IVF after IVF, of disappointment and sadness. It's gone on so long that I don't know how much longer I should expect them to care. How much support can they possibly give? If I ever am able to get pregnant I will never be able to surprise them and see pure love and happiness on their faces. They know our treatment schedule. They know when to expect the news, and they know it's going to be bad. It's always, always bad.
Finally, and most importantly, we've lost our innocence and everything that comes with it. I started thinking through all of these things today because something randomly reminded me of a time right before we started TTC. I will never ever forget the conversation we had about starting a family. J was ready to start trying much earlier than I expected and I was absolutely thrilled. I was full of hope, excitement, and something that eludes me lately; happiness. I remember at that time that any conversation about TTC would result in an ear to ear smile that would stay with me all day. It was our decision, our secret, our dream and our future. I always got butterflies in my stomach from the excitement I felt about becoming a mother and sharing that experience with my husband.
I can hardly stand to compare my feelings about TTC at the beginning of our journey to the emotions I associate with it now. We still have the same goal but everything else has changed. What we once thought was our decision, we now know is completely out of our hands. What was once our secret is now a public event, orchestrated by a team of medical professionals and reported in detail to our families and friends. What was once our future is now our failure. It's a crushing failure. How can a journey that once brought us so much joy and happiness now be so tainted by sorrow and heartache? It's hard to believe that we're still on the same road. The hardest thing is knowing that I can't go back. I will never be the innocent TTCer that has unprotected sex with my husband, waits 2 weeks, gets a positive test, and truly believes that I will have a healthy baby in 9 months (it's so ludicrous it's actually making me laugh). It's never gonna happen. Even if I were ever lucky enough to become pregnant, I would never ever be confident in expecting the pregnancy to be successful.
I know that these losses are minor in comparison to more important things that can be lost in life. They aren't even the biggest losses of the year for me. I don't let a day go by without thanking God for all the things that I haven't lost, all of the things that I have to be thankful for. It's those things that keep me going.
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