Old faithful showed up today. That's right, AF came along while we were sitting in church this morning. I've been telling myself that I'm lucky because it only took 4 days for her to come after my last beta. At least I can move on quickly. I'll take what I can get a this point.
So this is considered cycle day 1 for IVF #4. It's a place that I never in wildest dreams thought I would be. This is so surreal. It just so happens that after pleading with the nurse, tomorrow is the first available time that Dr. D could see us for our WTF appointment. Well, she gave us the choice between tomorrow and September 9th. Comical! So we will have a conversation with Dr.D about everything we are going to do going forward. I know that we won't have to take a break cycle after my chem preg. That was a huge relief. We need to move quickly while my endo is cleared out.
I'm going to do everything I can to get Dr. D to run a RPL on me. After my conversation with one of the nurses it doesn't sound like he is interested in doing it but I'm hoping I can convince him otherwise. Two miscarriages is enough for me, even if they were very early. I'm willing to do anything possible to keep from going through another. How can drs make you wait for 3 before running a panel? It seems cruel. The strange thing is that I don't even expect anything to be found on the RPL. I just want it done for peace of mind.
I think he's planning for this cycle to be just like our last fresh IVF. He expects a positive result this time because of my recent lap. I'm okay with the protocol. We got great embryos last time. I'm really concerned about what options we will have left if this fails. I don't think I can go through with this IVF without knowing what's waiting at the end. Of course, behind door #1 is the elusive BFP, but I have to know what's behind door #2. For the first time in this entire journey I honestly don't know what's waiting there. It's so scary and just thinking about it makes me feel so defeated.
I haven't written much about my chemical/failure last cycle. I was so upset when the first beta came in low. It was an awful day. Since then I've been stuffing my emotions and pressing forward. I didn't shed a single tear when got the bad news about the second beta. I still haven't. I can't. This journey has been so unbearably heart wrenching. I just can't process anymore sorrow. I've been silently drowning in heartache for the last 2 years and I just can't do it anymore. Not the IVF, the heartache. I can't do it. So for now I choose not to feel it. I'm ignoring the pain and moving on. I'm sure there are therapists out there that could give me thousands of reasons why that's not healthy, but I don't care. It's the only defense mechanism I have left. Will the sad reality come crashing down on me like a ton of bricks? I'm sure it will. But did I make it through this sh!tty week without any tears? Damn sure did!
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2 comments:
The therapist in me won't tell you not to do it, I understand the holding it back. You have to do what you need to do to get through this and get on to the net IVF. If that means not feeling the pain, then that is what you have to do. And your right you will do it, not because you want to but because there is no other choice. Life has to go on, this IVF has to happen now......
But here is a Hug for when the wall crashes down and you begin to feel it. Because the wall will crash down, it is just about when. (((((((((HUG)))))))))))
Thank you so much Ariella! It's a great feeling get some feed back on what we're going through and it's so comforting to know that someone out there understands. You just made my day :)
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