It got darker!!

Wow, I don't know if this is a joke or maybe my pee sticks are starting to feel sorry for me. I'm totally shocked that this morning's test is noticeably darker than the last three. We actually have a real line! I don't have to hold it up to the light or do any tricks to see it.

I was burned last time by a pee stick getting darker while my beta was actually dropping. I know that the darkness of the line doesn't really indicate what's going on in there. The only thing this new line is telling me is that there might still be a chance. I think it's fair to retain just a little bit of hope at this point. That's all I have room for. J keeps saying that all we wanted was a chance and now we might have that. Please let this be a good sign!

I went in this morning for my beta. We keep trying to figure out we expect the results to be, not that it matters what we expect. I just don't know after today's test. I'm expecting it to be positive and I'm just praying that it will be higher than the 32 that we had last time, preferably over a 50. I want it to be high enough to keep us hopeful going into a second beta. I would give everything I have for a doubling beta.........

9dp5dt

It's getting worse. The line is F-ing getting lighter. Lighter!! I can't even process that I'm going through another chemical pregnancy. That has to be what this is. Even J, the perpetual optimist, agrees that this has to be another chem preg. Now I'm actually praying that there will be enough HCG left in my system tomorrow morning for it to even show up in my blood work. What if it all goes away before I even have my beta?!?!?! What the hell? How has it come to this again?

Let's see. I'm going to predict that my beta tomorrow comes back at a whopping 20. Then I'll get to continue my shots and go back on Wednesday for a repeat that should top out at about a 4, but hey, 4's my lucky number so f me. My symptoms are gone, no nausea, no nothing. At least if I can't have a baby I still get to keep these disgusting @ss bruises on my butt cheeks.

8dp5dt

I wish I could say that the line got darker today but it didn't. It's still super faint. I didn't want to test this morning because I just knew that would be the case. Ugh. I feel like I'm headed straight for another chemical pregnancy. Why can't it just get darker??? Please just let it get darker!!!!

I need to count my blessings. I know that I'm in a far better position than I was two days ago. Any line is a total miracle at this point. I don't want to get greedy I just want to feel like I have an advantage for once. I can't do anything but sit and wait. I'm saying constant prayers for a darker line and a high beta.

I'm so desperate for something good to happen. Today was a horrible day for Daddy. He's in the hospital and I'm just crushed b/c I can't get there to see him. I'm so sick of wasting all of my time and energy on IF. Please let this be the end!

Shhhhh.....

....I'm so hesitant to post this because it might just be my imagination. To call it a line would be an exaggeration. I saw the faintest hint of a pink shadow on my test this morning. I'm not calling this a BFP. It's not nearly dark enough for that. The only thing I can say is that it's not blank and I haven't had any HCG in 2 months.

I've been testing for several days and getting increasingly pissed off by BFNs. I've already cried my eyes out over this cycle failing. I even made J take me to a movie yesterday to get my mind off of this crap. In the middle of the movie I broke out in a cold sweat and had to do everything I could to keep from throwing up. I chalked that up to my headache medicine (even thought it's never had that effect before). Then we had dinner after the movie and as soon as we got home I was running to the bathroom with dry heaves. Again, it's most likely that all of my meds are making me feel crummy but I'm praying that it's a pregnancy symptom. How crazy do you have to be to pray for nausea?

Losing it!

I knew I couldn't make it through this FET gracefully. I've been trying my hardest but today the weight of it all is catching up with me. I'm slipping away from hope and into negativity. I'm sure it's normal for this part of the process but I still hate it.

Today I can't stop thinking that NOTHING has ever worked for us. Nothing! Ever! Why on earth should I think that this could be our time? It seems like any hope is just an obvious set up for failure. Of course, failure is the scariest part. If this FET fails, then I will go directly into another fresh IVF without a break. Right now I just don't think I have it in me. J said that we could take a break if I needed it but I reminded him that a break would just allow more endo to grow back and hurt our chances even more. After another fresh cycle I don't even know what options we would have left.

This isn't meant to be a pity party. I know it's not over yet. I'm just so so scared. Lord please give me strength.

That's better.

After 3 days I've finally conquered my migraine. Yay!! There's a good chance that it will come back but I'm so glad to get a break from it today. This is also my last day of steroids. I'm excited about that because after tonight I should be able to sleep a little better.

I'm starving today but nothing tastes good and I'm a little naseous. I'm sure it's just the hormones. It's too early to have any real symptoms. Can't wait to start testing. Time is just creeping by so slowly .........

Oh My Aching Head

I don't have much to report since I'm stuck here on bed rest watching the Olympics. My only realization is that the FET drugs do not agree with my head. I'm working on my 3rd day in a row of migraine pain. I've been fighting chronic migraines for about 9 years. I've always been concerned about getting pregnant because the only medication that works well for me isn't approved for pregnancy (of course).

Anyways, the years of TTC have been a nightmare for managing migraines. I could take my meds before I ovulated and then I would try my hardest not to in the 2ww. Sometimes, early on, I would have a huge migraine in the 2ww and have to take meds. Then I would worry myself sick that I had hurt our baby. The worry was always pointless.

My RE won't allow me to take my meds during treatment because it will restrict blood flow to my uterus. I have been very very lucky to avoid major migraines through most of my treatment cycles. However, this FET is turning out to be a different story. In preparation for the transfer I started taking estrogen and progesterone injections twice daily. The combination is wreaking havoc on my head. Dr. D has tried to treat my past headaches using Vico.din with little luck. Now my only option is Oxy.codone. I've been taking it now for 3 days and I don't see an end in sight for this headache. Every 6 hours when the oxy wears off the pain comes right back. I know that I'll be fine but I'm a little uncomfortable plowing through these narcotics. Hmmm...