8-08-08 FET!!!

Our transfer is complete and now I'm settling into bed rest. We went in at 11:15 for acupuncture and an 11:45 transfer. We were Dr. Ds last appointment before his 2 week vacation. Good timing!

When we got there the embryologist gave us the most unbelievable news. All 4 embryos survived the thaw! I was (and still am) in total shock. I was preparing for 2 but just praying like crazy for 4. The steroids that I'm taking keep me up most of the night so I have been spending lots of time talking to God about this transfer and our embryos. This is such an unbelievable blessing. Just knowing that all 4 now have a chance to survive has brought so much peace to my heart. An IVF 2ww is always super hard but I think this small miracle will make it easier for me.

There was really no discussion required for the number to transfer. We transferred 3 day-3 embies the first time. The second time we transferred 3 blasts. Since we are 0 for 2, it makes sense to use all 4 frozen blasts. Besides, I would never discard a viable embryo. Three of our embies were expanding and looked "great". The fourth was still viable but making slower progress. The embryologist was pleased with the condition of all 4 and they all received assisted hatching.

I feel so blessed and finally hopeful again. I'm proud to say that for today we're a family of 6.

Counting Down

Exactly 24 hours from now our little embryos will be transferred. Even earlier than that they will have to pass the test of the thaw! I don't know why but I am so excited that our transfer will be on 8-08-08. That seems really lucky for some reason. I think it will be a great day for great things to happen. J thinks we will transfer all 4 embryos and they will all implant and split. Then we will conceive 8 babies on 8-08-08. hahaha!

I had so many things that I wanted to do today before I'm on bed rest. Unfortunately my body had something else in mind. I was hit with a migraine last night. I took pain meds and went to sleep but it was still going strong this morning. Since I can't take Imi.trex Dr. D is having me try Oxy.codone. It takes the edge off the pain and turns me into a total zombie.

Getting Nervous

This is a pointless and futile thing to worry about but I can't push it out of my mind. Dr. D has agreed that we should transfer all four of our frozen blasts. That's some heat but we totally agree that it's necessary. Three fresh blasts last time didn't get us anywhere. If we have less than 4 blasts to transfer I know I will be totally crushed and write off the whole cycle.

I know that my expectations are totally unrealistic. Statistically we will be so lucky if we have 2 embryos survive the thaw. I just can't make myself accept that and think that way. We've lost so many embryos already that it breaks my heart. I've personally killed 6 in utero. I just want all 4 to get a fighting chance.

I'm praying my brains out for our four little guys. I'll also be praying for God to move my heart to happiness and contentment with any outcome. I hear negativity can be bad for implantation :)

8 Days Until FET

Well, well, well we're actually getting close to our next transfer. It's hard to believe. I feel like I'm getting off easy since I'm not having to stim. It's a nice change.

I went to the doctor today for an ultrasound. I was so relieve to hear that my lining was good and I was cyst free. Go me! J told me again that this is another sign of how "healthy" I am. LOLOLOLOLOL! I told him that if I was healthy then I would have been pregnant 2 years ago! We have that conversation frequently.

It's sort of sad that I don't have anything to say about the FET. I feel so numb to this whole process. I think my mind is blocking it all out to keep me from getting hurt again. It's like it's not even happening. I have no hopes and no excitement. I feel like the chances of this working are about a billion to one. I actually think I could get more hope and excitement from a lottery ticket at this point. It seems more likely to pay off.

In the spirit of recording the process, the estrogen has been giving me annoying dull headaches all week. I'm on 6 pills daily.

No Infertility Coverage

I'm no stranger to this situation but now it seems like a slap in the face. J and I have had the same insurance coverage since we were married. That coverage provided exactly $2,000 worth of infertility coverage. It was only a teeny tiny fraction of what we have spent so far but at least it was something. We spent over 3 months writing letters to the insurance company before actually collecting that $2,000.

Now, J's company insurance has changed to a new carrier. I've been waiting for months to get the group number and information needed to check our INfertility benefits. I've been praying and hoping that our new insurance would help ease the burden of this IF nightmare. This morning we called and got our answer, "NOTHING". Absolutely nothing is covered. Thank you very much. Glad we got that resolved.

Lap Results: Advanced Stage III Endo

Dr. D said that my endo was considerably worse than last year. It has progressed to advanced stage III endo. I haven't talked to him yet about the location of the endo but I have some lovely pictures. The black adhesions do seem more prevalent this time. The surgery lasted 1.5 hrs so there was clearly more work to be done this time.

Dr. D also worked on the inside of my uterus. He found some tissue that he described as hard and "avascular" which could inhibit implantation. He "tilled" the tissue (sliced it and peeled it back) to create a better environment for our embryos.

I'm totally fascinated by one of the pictures that we were given. It's a snapshot of the inside of my uterus and it shows the site of my miscarriage. It's just a red spot but it's somehow comforting to me. The chemical pregnancy was so brief that it seems like I just imagined it. It's nice to have it on paper to see that something actually happened.

I didn't even get to talk to Dr.D after the surgery so I still have questions. My post-op is on Monday so hopefully he will clear me to go off of the BCP and prepare for our FET. I've been in more pain this time than with my last lap. I was pretty miserable yesterday but today is better and tomorrow I should be off the pain meds. J is being such a saint and taking great care of me. We're both just glad to get this behind us.

I needed a break

I needed to take away some of the power that infertility has over my daily life. I've been consumed and I'm tired of it. I guess it's okay to be consumed by something if the energy is positive. Unfortunately, since my last cycle, every single thought of TTC has been 100% negative so I needed some distance.

My family came to visit for a week so my "break" was going very well. It seems so soon but it's already time for my laparoscopy. Tomorrow's the big day, just shy of a year since my last lap. I'm not excited at all about the lap. Last time I was so excited because I thought it would actually make a difference. What a joke. Now I feel like it is just another step that we have to take on the road to being told that we will never have children. I'm just going through the motions and I expect no positive outcome from it.

I was telling J tonight that I think I'll be disappointed in my surgery results, whatever they are. If there is tons of endo then that sucks. If they find no endo then that sucks too, because then we don't know what's preventing implantation. Last year my OB found stage II-III endo. I guess that's what I'm expecting again. Uggh, let's get this over with.