June 10th

I've POAS for the last 4 mornings. I've been trying to brace myself and ease into a BFN. I've never been an early tester. J agreed that I should do it because we want to do EVERYTHING different this cycle. We're trying to change our luck by doing every single thing differently.

No big surprise that the tests have all been white, white, white. Just what I expected. Until today. Today there is a...... shadow. It's not a line. It's barely a shadow, but it's something. I couldn't believe it. Surely my eyes had to be playing tricks onme. I came flying down the stairs in my undies to show J. He could see it too! I wasn't loosing my mind! Then he told me that he fished yesterdays test out of the trash when I wasn't looking and he thought he saw a shadow on that one too! Where was that information?!?

I'm not calling this a positive. It is far too faint. It's a barely visible, possibly imaginary, shadow. Praise God for this glimmer of hope! We have been praying morning, noon, and night for this. I've been telling J all week that June 10th is our lucky day. It's the day of our first date. The day that marked the beginning of our relationship. The day that it all started. The day that changed our lives forever. From the first day we were solidly and wholly committed to each other and we never looked back. I can't think of a better day to see our first "positive" test. If this is real, our lives again will change and hopefully we will never have to look back.

4dp5dt

For the record, I think analyzing symptoms during IVF is a waste of time. With the amount of Progesterone I'm on the side effects are crazy. I know that there isn't a single symptom out there that I can count on to assure a BFP. I promised myself that I would keep track of how I'm feeling in the 2WW this time. I want to have a record for comparison if, God forbid, I have to do this again.

So, until today I've had what I would describe as an achy abdomen. It wasn't cramps but just a dull ache that I am sure is due to the stims and ER. This afternoon I briefly experienced some cramping for the first time. Today the shots seem to be catching up with me. My energy level is shot and I am so tired. Unfortunately I'm too anxious to sleep. I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up on Sunday :) I'm also starving (again, progesterone) and peeing every 20 minutes (lovely).

Ever The Same

I came across this song months ago and thought it was beautiful. I listened to it again recently and was so moved by the lyrics. The way he talks about holding and supporting each other through heartbreak is so touching. I know that I'm putting my interpretation onto something that probably has nothing to do with IF but for me that's exactly what it's about. It reminds me of the way that J holds me up when I'm down and gets me through all of the hard times. Sometimes your so broken down that all you can do is cling to each other.

IF tests marriage like few things can. Luckily it's making ours even stronger. This is a great reminder for us to "fall on" each other when times are hard. I listened to this during our ET.

EVER THE SAME

Rob Thomas

We were drawn from the weeds
We were brave like soldiers

Falling down under the pale moonlight

You were holding me

Like someone broken

And I couldn't tell you but I'm telling you now

Just let me hold you while you're falling apart

Just let me hold you and we'll both fall down

Fall on me

Tell me everything you want me to be

Forever with you

forever in me

Ever the same

We would stand in the wind

We were free like water

Flowing down Under the warmth of the sun

Now it's cold and we're scared

And we've both been shaken

Yeah, look at us man, This doesn't need to be the end

Just let me hold you while you're falling apart

Just let me hold you and we'll both fall down

Fall on me

tell me everything you want me to be

Forever with you

Forever in me

Ever the same

Call on me

And I'll be there for you and you'll be there for me

Forever it's you

Forever in me

Ever the same

You may need me there

To carry all your weight

But you're no burden I assure

You tide me over

With a warmth I'll not forget

But I can only give you love

Doubt Creeps In

Well that didn't take long. I've come off of the high of having great embryos and a great transfer. While I still find encouragement in our numbers, I'm also starting to feel panicked about the outcome. Our failure 2 months ago is still so fresh on my mind. I think it's my internal self defense mechanism that is telling me over and over again, "this.will.fail". I honestly can't imagine it going any other way. I have never in my life seen a positive pregnancy test. The idea that I might see one in a few days just seems ridiculous..... ludicrous!

I'm trying to be positive. I want to be positive. But positive always leads to more hurt in the end. At this point I'm not up for anymore hurt. So, since being positive is too much to ask, all I can do is try not to be negative. The best I can give is neutral and that's my goal.

Amazingly it takes a high level of distraction to achieve neutral. I have to keep my mind occupied to prevent the negativity from creeping in. I'm doing everything I can. I had a nice distraction yesterday. J's parents came by and brought us a roast and lots of other goodies to eat. It was so nice to see them and get to chat. J's mom even walked the dogs for me since I'm still on bed rest. That was a perfect treat and just what we needed.

The Fantastic Four..... Frozen Embies

I was just taking to J and telling him that I don't know what in the world we will do if this IVF doesn't work. It's overwhelming to think of what our next step might look like. Then in the middle of our conversation the phone rang. It was Dr.D's office calling to tell us that 4 blasts made it to freeze!! Wow, how's that for an answer to my question?

We knew that we would be able to freeze two. We were told that on the day of our transfer. At that point we also had 4 "slow growers" that the embryologists were going to watch. They didn't sound very hopeful that any of them would make it. I was really expecting that none of them would make it. So it turned out that two of them were little fighters and they ended up making it to blast after all :)

This is just one more incredible blessing to add to the list this week. Also, for what it's worth, 4 has always always always been my favorite/lucky number. So that's tight.

Show Me the Embies!

Well here they are. Our 3 beautiful blasts are on the left. And just for comparison you can see our previous day 3 embies on the right. I think it's amazing that you can count every cell in a day 3 embryo (8-10 cells) but by day 5 there are too many cells to count (approx 150-200).

J has been reading up on blasts and we were surprised to find out that by day 5 the cells are already separating into "placenta cells" and "fetus cells". I know, my terminology is impressive.

It's crazy that little blobs can mean so much to me. Hopefully they are all getting cozy and settling in for a nice long stay. It's been exactly 24 hours since the transfer so implantation may have already happened. I'm just praying and praying and praying that they're hanging on.

Come to Momma

< (acupuncture before transfer)

The transfer was perfect! We couldn't have asked for anything better. We went out for an early lunch date and then arrived at the doctor's office at 12:30. I had acupuncture first. It was so relaxing and I listened to great music on my ipod to prepare.

Next the embryologist came in the room. We were hoping it would be the same one we had last time but it wasn't. We were so anxious to hear about our embryos that we were about it loose it. We hadn't had an update in 48 hrs. The embryologist looked at her clipboard. She said "so, we're doing two." Then she acted like she was ready for me to sign it. J and I both felt immediate panic because we thought she was saying that we only had 2 embies left. Finally, after some prodding, she explained that we actually had 5 perfect blasts :) We also had 4 more embryos that hadn't yet made it to blast stage but they were still growing. Huge sigh of relief!

We explained to her that we wanted to transfer at least 3. She left the room to talk to our RE. They came back together and Dr. D told us that he agreed with transferring 3, but would not do more. J made the decision and told him that 3 would be our magic number.

After that things went perfectly. The transfer was smooth and my lining looked great. Dr. D said that the cycle and embryos were "spectacular" and really believes it will work. I spent another half hour on the transfer table for more acupuncture.

We were given pictures of our 3 little blasts. J has been reading and reading about blasts online. He is so proud of the photos that he emailed them to our parents. They just look like little blobs but they are the world to us.

The most incredible thing is that we will have at least 2 frozen blasts!! The 4 "slow growers" are still being watched. If any of them make it to blast stage they will also be frozen. I just can't believe it. I feel so incredibly blessed today.