So how did it turn out?

Those beautiful PGD embryos that I posted ended up giving us one perfect beautiful baby girl. She was born in June, 2009 and she is the absolute light of our lives. After we lost the twin at 9 weeks things were fairly uneventful. I had some intense siatica and lots of headaches. Those were annoying for me but no problem for the baby.

At week 34 I had a scare with low amniotic fluid that landed me at monitoring appointments for the rest of the pregnancy. Tons of early contractions worried me but ended up making my labor and delivery wonderful. I was able to labor at home until I was 6cm and then checked into the hospital and got an epidural. That allowed me to relax for about 4 hours while I progressed. Then I literally pushed 3 times and delivered her. She weighed 7 1/2 lbs and was 20 inches long.

Everything about parenthood has been just as we had hoped. Our only hurdle has been an insane 7 months of colic. Even in her worst most colicy moments she is an absolute angel in our eyes. I guess that's one benefit of IF, if you can call it that. All of the trials and tribulations of getting pregnant make other issues seem so insignificant. It's been a great parenting tool so far to help me keep things in perspective.

To sumarize, we have been blessed beyond belief.

I'm Baaaaaaaaack!

That was weird how I just disappeard for 18 months. Let me explain and update. Unfortunatley we lost one of our twins at 9 weeks. We had already seen two heartbeats and become attached to the idea of twins so it hurt. It hurt a lot. That's when I stopped updating this blog. Somehow I couldn't bring myself to write a post about loosing one of them. It may sound strange but it was just too sad at the time.

Then after we made it out of the first trimester I started a pregnancy/baby blog for my friends and family. I didn't want it to be linked to this one because we keep our IF fairly private. At that point I wanted a break from IF and time to experience the joy of pregnancy. So that lead to this blog collecting a lot of dust. Now, after all this time I decided to dust the cobwebs off continue our story. I don't know if anyone out there will find any of this remotely interesting or helpful but I enjoy having a record of my treatments and their outcomes.

Twins, twins, TWINS!!!!!!!

I don't even know where to start. There's only one reason for my lack of blog entries. I.am.scared.to.death. I'm totally overwhelmed with how lucky we have been since our first beta and I'm terrified that something bad is going to happen. I'm scared to talk about the pregnancy, or think about it, or write about it. Even though I'm kidding myself, I sort of think that if I avoid those things then I won't get too attached and I won't jinx it. Anyway, there are just too many important things happening to keep quiet any longer.

Our 3rd beta came back at 1000! It more than doubled every 48 hrs. What a miracle!! Even before our 3rd beta we had to tell J's parents and my mom. We wanted to keep it to ourselves but they knew when we had the transfer so they were starting to ask. I was very very nervous about sharing the news because I was still so skeptical. They were all so happy for us but still reserved and cautious.

We went in for our first ultrasound at 5 weeks. It was so early that they were only looking for the sac to make sure it was in the uterus. Luckily things looked good and there was one beautiful little sac. I was a little disappointed that there was only one, but how on earth could I not be thrilled with a little baby in there. That day my progesterone came in at 202.

We went back for our second ultrasound at 6 weeks. We were checking for a yolk sac but I was praying so hard that we would see an early heartbeat. That's when we got the shock of our lives. Dr. D started the ultrasound and passed over the sac and mentioned that it was much larger than the week before. Then he moved on and there was another sac. He didn't say anything and I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me. After checking both sacs several times he said, "it's twins." Those were the most beautiful words I've ever heard. I got a little teary and J started laughing uncontrollably and then he started sweating all over. LOL. I couldn't believe how happy he was. It was precious. We were on cloud nine.

Now J's been walking around for a week shouting twins and then laughing. It's so cute! I'm just as happy but I'm scared out of my mind. We're preparing to go back for our week 7 ultrasound tomorrow. We need to see the heartbeats. I've been going out of my mind worrying about it and saying lots and lots of prayers.

Beta #2 = 415!!!!!!!!!

I am so so so happy with my second beta number. I'm still in total shock. I just can't believe this could actually be working for us. We had to tell my mom and J's parents and sister. They knew the approximate schedule so they were starting to ask lots of questions. We didn't think we could keep them in suspense any longer. I actually got really strange about telling them. I didn't want anyone to know yet. Things can still go so bad but I guess we would need their support anyways. Both of our moms cried, his sister was super excited, and his dad told us to cancel the party that we have planed for next weekend. (guys are funny)

My contentment was short lived because of the onset of a horrible migraine. When it comes to pregnancy I view migraines as the kiss of death. With both chemical pregnancies I've come down with a horrible migraine just as my HCG started to tank. So, of course to me and migraine = miscarriage. I suffered quite a bit for the last 2 days. The first night I took oxyc.odone (approved by dr) and it helped take the edge off of my head but it still hurt and I felt drunk. Yesterday I took a vico.din (also approved by dr) and it did absolutely nothing for me. I spent the afternoon laying in the dark with ice on my head trying not to throw up. I came out of the dark at 6:30 for my proge.sterone shot and then went back to bed. I got up again at 10:30 to try to eat some dinner. I managed to eat a tomato, grabbed another cold ice pack and went back to sleep. I think I slept for about 13 hrs to conquer that headache. There has to be a better way.

Luckily I felt much better this morning. We got up and went straight to the doctor's office for my 3rd and final beta. I am sitting here scared out of my mind that it's going to be bad news. Come on phone, ring!!!

Beta #1 = 186!!!!!!!!!!

This is the best anniversary present I could have ever imagined! I'm on cloud nine! Dr. D called me himself and he sounded so pleased with the results and happy to finally be delivering good news. My progesterone is 196. That is actually giving me more comfort than the beta.

There is no way I can wrap my brain around this yet. It's far too fresh and delicate. I'm so terrified of my second beta tomorrow. I was fairly calm going into the first beta because I was pretty sure that something would show up after the hpts. Now I have no way at all to guess if it's doubling as it should. I have never ever ever had a beta go up. This is the part where I start getting really scared. The wait tomorrow will be far harder than yesterday. I'm not complaining though. This is a much better position than I've ever been in before.

Wow, what a blessing!! J is so happy and scared too. I've been trying to keep our parents in the dark about our beta date. I told my mom that I couldn't tell her the date because it would stress me out. J's parents started asking him today if I've POAS. That's very unlike them so they must be really worried for us. He told them that we would know tomorrow. I was hoping to hold everyone off until our 3rd beta but that's okay. I'm glad they're all excited.

Well, this is different

I tested again this morning and the line is getting to be sort of impressive. I'm not sure how to describe it, but it really isn't that much lighter than the control line. It's so different from my previous chemical pregnancies. I've been carrying my test around with me all day like a psycho because I can't believe it. I think I've shown it to DH about a hundred times.

Tomorrow is the big day. I'll go in for my beta at 8:30. I am so so nervous about it. I'm praying that it's over 100 so I can go into my second beta with a little confidence. Tomorrow is also our anniversary so hopefully that will bring us lots of good luck.

8dp5dt: Digital Says Pregnant

Well, I made it a couple of days without testing. Then I started thinking that my positive test might be a fluke. I decided to POAS tonight and see if I could get a good result out of a digital. I am so extremely relieved that it was positive!!! Yay.

I've been blown away by the amount of cramps that I have had for the last few days. These cramps are like my worst AF cramps. They get especially bad when I lay down at night. I would think that they are period cramps for sure but they've been going on for days and I never get cramps until CD1. Since this is something I've never experienced with my chemical pregnancies, I'm hoping that this is a good sign for strong implantation.

6dp5dt = Happiness!!!!!!

I guess I spoke too soon with my last post. I thought I was feeling calm about the whole process but that all changed when I got into bed last night. I started thinking about what would happen to us if this IVF doesn't work. I've thought of if a million times before but last night the weight of it all seemed like too much. Of course I had an estrogen melt down and a few tears were shed. J and I agreed that if this one doesn't work we will have HUGE decisions to make. Our RE has done everything he can for us. Now it's time to sink or swim.

No surprise that after our conversation I couldn't sleep at all. I was tossing and turning all night. I woke up this morning needing to pee and totally torn about testing. I stayed in bed forever trying to decide what to do and I finally decided that I was better off testing. I thought that if I didn't test I would spend the whole day stressing out and possibly crying about this whole mess.

I told myself about 20 times that it's only 6dp5dt so I won't see anything and then I POAS. I put down the test and brushed my teeth. When I picked it back up there were 2 lines. TWO LINES!!!!!! It had only been a minute and the line was super light, so I thought, okay this is a good start. Then I was shocked when over the next couple of minutes it kept getting darker. I said a quick prayer and went downstairs to find J. I pulled the stick out of my pocket and he looked a little panicked. Then he saw the two beautiful lines and he couldn't stop hugging me.

This is just the ray of hope that we needed. We have a long long way to go before I will believe that this might be real. I just feel so blessed to get this great news today. I'm going to spend the next few days praying my heart out and trying not to POAS again.

IVF #4: 4dp5dt

I need to report on an earth shattering development: I don't want to test! For the first time in the history of my infertility, I don't want to test. I'm perfectly happy hanging on to this dream a little longer.

No symptoms to report yet. I've had some very very very mild cramping but nothing to get excited about. I've been thinking about my typical spotting. My 2 chemical pregnancies are the only 2 cycles in my life that I haven't spotted. So far I don't have any spotting but it's still really early.

Transfer: It's a girl!!...and a boy...and a girl!

Yesterdays transfer turned out so much better than I expected. I went in at 9:30 for acupuncture. Things went quickly and I got all set up with the needles but still no word on our embryos. My acupuncturist didn't want us to be tortured anymore so she went off to find the embryologist and get the number. She came back happy and told us that we have 3 "normal" embryos. Huge, giant exhale. Ideally I was hoping for 4 but 3 made me perfectly happy.

After acupuncture, Dr. D came in with our PGD report to discuss the results. We all decided without any hesitation that all 3 embryos would be transferred. He held the information on a clipboard. It listed the findings from all 8 embryos with the 3 good embryos highlighted. He explained that the findings were good. The 5 abnormal embryos each had a different problem. One had Down Synd.rome. I can't remember the names or the other abnormalities. He thought that the ratio of normal vs. abnormal was well within acceptable range. Thank you God!

Then the shock came. He gave us the report on our normal embryos. He said "the first embryo is a normal hatching blastocyst female, the second is a normal morula male, and the third is a normal morula female." He just blurted out the genders of our embryos before we could even stop him. I wanted to be mad but the information was so exciting that I couldn't wipe the stupid grin off my face. Two girls and a boy! Absolutely amazing that we have that information. It brought everything that we are doing back into focus and let me imagine for a moment what could come of this if it works. It was a mistake on his part and I'm surprised to say that I'm so glad he made it.

The transfer went smoothly after that. Our beautiful embryos are home.

Eight is Enough

Eight is more than enough actually. Wow, what a blessing! All 8 of our little embryos were going strong on day 3. I was shocked that every single one was fighting through. They were all between 7 and 10 cells on day 3. Dr. D decided to biopsy all of them and send the cells off to San Fran.cisco for PGD.

I am so thankful that we made it past the PGD hurdle. We have been praying that we would be able to do the testing to increase our odds. Now I'm terrified to hear the results. Chances are that about half of the embryos will be "good". I can't help but think about what will happen if they're all bad, or 95% bad. Oh boy.

We'll find out the PGD results when we go in for our transfer tomorrow morning. We have to be there at 9:30. It's such an amazing feeling to think that tomorrow our embies will be back with me. Oh please God, let them hang on tight this time!

IVF #4: Fertilization Report

This news came the day after retrieval but I've taken a few days to post it. Out of our 13 eggs only 8 fertilized with ICIS. There is a 9th that is still being watched for late fertilization. I was hoping for a higher number but I'm glad that we have something to work with. Now I'm waiting on more news about PGD. We need 7 strong day 3 embies to do PGD.

I've been feeling like crap since my retrieval. My abdomen is so bloated and sore. I know it will be fine with time. I've been laying low and keeping a heating pad on it for the last few days.

Last night J and I went out to dinner with some friends and their baby. They didn't know about our TTC. We let them in on a little bit of our story but didn't tell them about IVF. It honestly sucked. She got pregnant with their baby after I was already well into infertility treatments. Now the baby is 6 months old. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them and wish them nothing but the best, but I am in no mood lately to sit around and gush about how beautiful and perfect and happy their son is. I'm such a mean person.

IVF #4: Egg Retrieval

My egg retrieval went smoothly yesterday. I felt less anxious about it than I have in the past. I absolutely hate IVs but I think I'm getting more comfortable with the process. That said, I'm also getting very tired of the process.

When I woke up in post op I found out that they were able to get 13 eggs. Not great but not bad enough to bring on tears. I felt more beat up this time around. The nurse gave me something through my IV for the pain and it did nothing. She kept telling me just to take tyl.enol when I get home. I HATE that my doctor won't give any pain meds until you are already in a great deal of pain. So they sent me away while I was hurting. By the time we got half way home I was having awful stabbing pains on my right side. An hour after I got home I started taking leftover vico.din while calling my RE and asking for something to help. That's exactly why I keep leftovers around. If I played by my doctor's rules I would be sitting around dying for hours before getting any help.

Anyway, I laid in bed all day feeling like crap. I couldn't sleep all day because I was too uncomfortable. By 9:00 pm I had a migraine so out came the ice packs. At 11:30 I took tyl.enol pm to put me out of my misery. Fun day.

IVF #4: Triggered!

After my last post I was ready to trigger, in my mind. When Dr. D wanted me to stim another day that was fine. Then when he wanted me to stim for a 10th day I had a total meltdown. I think all the estrogen took over and I got really upset. I didn't want anymore shots in the stomach and I didn't want the process to get pushed back for another day. I understand that stimming for 10 days is totally normal but I was being rational. That extra day of stims mean that we had to miss a MLB playoff game (poor J) and miss my BFF in town from out of state (poor me). Sigh.

From my last follie scan it looks like there will be 14 to aspirate. I'm praying that we'll have at least 12 eggs but I'm hoping for 15. I keep forgetting to ask about my last E2. I'm pretty sure it's over 3000.

Luckily I've been able to fight off the sinus infection :) I still don't feel perfect, but much better than I did.

So last night was the trigger. We shot up the ganerel.ix at 6:00 and the went out for a nice dinner. It was great to have a little date night. Then we came home did the trigger. It was hilarious. I am terrible about taking shots. J has to move quickly before I have a chance to panic. We both were a little confused about where the shot should go (I usually have the nurse mark my hip). Anyway I pointed out the spot......

:::Disclaimer: I have a couple of random freckles on my butt cheek. I have no idea why God put them there but they have been sort of helpful for injections.:::::

......I pointed to a freckle that is high on the outside of my hip and said "that's the spot, remember?" He said okay and went to town with the shot. I almost jumped out of my skin when he injected it in the middle of my butt cheek!! It wasn't even close to where it should have been. I was scared that it was going to hit my nerve but we lucked out and didn't have a problem. I asked him what the heck he was doing and said, "aiming for the freckle, like you said". I cranked my head around to examine my butt and see what on earth was talking about. It turned out he was aiming at the wrong freckle on a totally different hemisphere of my butt. How funny is that? We should not be trusted with this stuff.

IVF #4: Stim Day 8

I had another ultrasound this morning and now I'll have one everyday. I had 10 measurable follies on the right and 4 (much smaller) on the left. (Come on lefty! You can do it!) Dr. D is still telling me this this cycle is very much like our last fresh round. That's good news for stimming and ER. After 7 days of stims my estrogen is 1363 up from 735 two days ago. I'm still on 225 folli.stim.

What's not so sweet is the sinus infection that just hit me. I felt awful yesterday when I woke up and spent the whole day in my pjs. Today wasn't much better. I got a few things done but I have a low fever and feel like crap. It caught me off guard. I haven't been sick in almost 3 years. I didn't think it was even possible when I'm already on antibiotics an steroids. Of course, my only concern is that I'm going to get so sick that my cycle will be canceled. I don't even want to think about that. Scary!

I'm also having a sudden and very real fear of our PGD. All along I've been thinking that PGD would help us sort our embryos. Now I'm realizing that I shouldn't assume that we will have any normal embryos, much less a selection. I need to prepare myself for the worst because the PGD could lead to some very very bad news. Of course, it could also lead to a great chance for increased odds. That's what we're praying for. I just have to tell myself that even if the news is bad, it is better to know about it now.

IVF #4: Moving right along

I had my second stim check this morning. This time Dr. D measured 7 follies on the right and 4 on the left. All on the left are considerably smaller. I went straight to acupuncture and she tried to "wake up" my left ovary. I guess we will see. My left has always been the under performer since it keeps getting wrapped up in endo.

My E2 level is 780 and Dr. D is pleased with that. He said that my progress this time is almost identical to my last fresh cycle. I would be happy if we ended up with the same egg count (18). I don't want to get my hopes too high. The most important thing is getting enough embryos for PGD. I think they will do it if we have 6-7 embies.

Over the last 24 hrs I've been sabotaging my own folli.stim supply. It's like I'm working with half a brain. When it was time for my shot yesterday I had some major confusion about which folli.stim pen (yes, I have tons of them) is the right one. I don't know why I have old pens sitting around with old meds in them. Disaster waiting to happen. I finally decided that I was about 95% sure that I had the right pen. After I mixed the meds I expected the cartridge to be empty. It wasn't, so I started second guessing myself. I opened the pen and took out the cartridge to get a closer look. Of course, I dropped it on the floor and shattered the bottom half of the cartridge. Great! This stuff is like liquid gold and I'm ruining it. I think I can still finish the rest of the broken vial. The glass is broken below the plunger but the portion housing the medicine is totally intact.

I only have one unopened box of folli.stim left. Today my nurse told me that I would need more. I needed to order it today to avoid a problem. Here's a shocker, I forgot to order it. I'm such a moron. It's not like I was busy doing brain surgery today. It was so simple and I forgot. Ugh, I think I can get through with the meds that I have but it will be down to the drop.

IVF #4: First Stim Check

I was a little surprised today when I had my meeting with my second husband, aka, the ultrasound wand. I've only had 3 days of stims but I'm already getting really sore and tender around my ovaries. The ultrasound was really uncomfortable.

The follies on my left ovary were still too small to measure but my right side already has some action. They measured 5 follies and one was already at 15. It actually had me a little worried but the nurse assured me that I'm not stimming too fast. I felt much better when I found out that Dr. D wants to keep me on 225 units of Follistim. If he wants my dosage to stay the same then he must like what is happening, at least that's what I hope.

The crappy part is that I have to start mixing in luv.eris and also taking ganar.elix shots tonight. I'm scared of the ganar.elix needles. They are pre-filled syringes and the needles suck. Last time the needles always wanted to bounce off of my skin. They never went in smoothly. Sometimes it took a few tries and by then the needles were so dull. Yikes! Ok, I'm not going to think about it because it has to be done. Without the ganar.elix I could loose my big follies and we can't let that happen.

IVF #4 is a go!!!!!!

I am so so happy that we avoided another delay and were cleared to start IVF #4. My day 3 ultrasound showed 8 tiny follies on each ovary. I was thrilled out of my mind that my FSH went back down this month. My FSH level was checked early due to some confusion over my AF start date. My blood was taken on the day before CD1. Dr. D believed that it was close enough to count. The beautiful part was the number: 4.8. I'm sure on CD3 it would have been a little higher, but still. Gigantic exhale!

Today is my third day of Follistim (225 units). Tomorrow morning we will go in for my first follie check. Something happened with my second injection last night. I think J hit a blood vessel b/c I have the biggest bruise I've ever had from an injection. It's dark purple, raised, and about the size of a quarter. Hmmmm.

I'm fascinated by the election right now and I'm spending lots of time following the campaigns. It's actually a great distraction to keep my mind off of IF. I wish I could watch the debate live tonight but we're going to a baseball game. I'll catch the playback later.

Best Day Ever

J sent me to the spa and it was a beautiful thing. I spent the whole day there :) I worked out in their gym then ate lunch by the pool. I had a Swedish massage and then took a nap in my robe on a lounge chair. It doesn't get much better than that. It was a beautiful, perfect, sunny day and the ocean views were breath taking.

It was so therapeutic because it's not just a spa. It's a magical place. It's the place that brought me to J and the place where we were engaged. It's our place. It reminds me of all that we have and how very lucky we are.

One more week of break.

I hate breaks. I hate breaks with a passion. I would so much rather be working through IVF and actively trying to do something to improve our situation. Breaks = sitting around thinking about our crappy situation and letting more time pass without children in our lives. I have one more week to wait it out before AF arrives. Now that I've said that I'm sure she'll be inexplicably late.

I wanted to go to Houston this week to occupy my mind. Hurricane Ike ruined those plans. What an awful mess! God bless everyone that's in Houston/Galveston right now. The aftermath of Ike is horrible.