Empty Vessel

So how did it turn out?

2010-04-26T19:54:00.000-07:00

Those beautiful PGD embryos that I posted ended up giving us one perfect beautiful baby girl. She was born in June, 2009 and she is the absolute light of our lives. After we lost the twin at 9 weeks things were fairly uneventful. I had some intense siatica and lots of headaches. Those were annoying for me but no problem for the baby.

At week 34 I had a scare with low amniotic fluid that landed me at monitoring appointments for the rest of the pregnancy. Tons of early contractions worried me but ended up making my labor and delivery wonderful. I was able to labor at home until I was 6cm and then checked into the hospital and got an epidural. That allowed me to relax for about 4 hours while I progressed. Then I literally pushed 3 times and delivered her. She weighed 7 1/2 lbs and was 20 inches long.

Everything about parenthood has been just as we had hoped. Our only hurdle has been an insane 7 months of colic. Even in her worst most colicy moments she is an absolute angel in our eyes. I guess that's one benefit of IF, if you can call it that. All of the trials and tribulations of getting pregnant make other issues seem so insignificant. It's been a great parenting tool so far to help me keep things in perspective.

To sumarize, we have been blessed beyond belief.

I'm Baaaaaaaaack!

2010-04-26T19:47:00.000-07:00

That was weird how I just disappeard for 18 months. Let me explain and update. Unfortunatley we lost one of our twins at 9 weeks. We had already seen two heartbeats and become attached to the idea of twins so it hurt. It hurt a lot. That's when I stopped updating this blog. Somehow I couldn't bring myself to write a post about loosing one of them. It may sound strange but it was just too sad at the time.

Then after we made it out of the first trimester I started a pregnancy/baby blog for my friends and family. I didn't want it to be linked to this one because we keep our IF fairly private. At that point I wanted a break from IF and time to experience the joy of pregnancy. So that lead to this blog collecting a lot of dust. Now, after all this time I decided to dust the cobwebs off continue our story. I don't know if anyone out there will find any of this remotely interesting or helpful but I enjoy having a record of my treatments and their outcomes.

Twins, twins, TWINS!!!!!!!

2008-11-10T19:31:00.000-08:00

I don't even know where to start. There's only one reason for my lack of blog entries. I.am.scared.to.death. I'm totally overwhelmed with how lucky we have been since our first beta and I'm terrified that something bad is going to happen. I'm scared to talk about the pregnancy, or think about it, or write about it. Even though I'm kidding myself, I sort of think that if I avoid those things then I won't get too attached and I won't jinx it. Anyway, there are just too many important things happening to keep quiet any longer.

Our 3rd beta came back at 1000! It more than doubled every 48 hrs. What a miracle!! Even before our 3rd beta we had to tell J's parents and my mom. We wanted to keep it to ourselves but they knew when we had the transfer so they were starting to ask. I was very very nervous about sharing the news because I was still so skeptical. They were all so happy for us but still reserved and cautious.

We went in for our first ultrasound at 5 weeks. It was so early that they were only looking for the sac to make sure it was in the uterus. Luckily things looked good and there was one beautiful little sac. I was a little disappointed that there was only one, but how on earth could I not be thrilled with a little baby in there. That day my progesterone came in at 202.

We went back for our second ultrasound at 6 weeks. We were checking for a yolk sac but I was praying so hard that we would see an early heartbeat. That's when we got the shock of our lives. Dr. D started the ultrasound and passed over the sac and mentioned that it was much larger than the week before. Then he moved on and there was another sac. He didn't say anything and I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me. After checking both sacs several times he said, "it's twins." Those were the most beautiful words I've ever heard. I got a little teary and J started laughing uncontrollably and then he started sweating all over. LOL. I couldn't believe how happy he was. It was precious. We were on cloud nine.

Now J's been walking around for a week shouting twins and then laughing. It's so cute! I'm just as happy but I'm scared out of my mind. We're preparing to go back for our week 7 ultrasound tomorrow. We need to see the heartbeats. I've been going out of my mind worrying about it and saying lots and lots of prayers.

Beta #2 = 415!!!!!!!!!

2008-10-25T11:09:00.000-07:00

I am so so so happy with my second beta number. I'm still in total shock. I just can't believe this could actually be working for us. We had to tell my mom and J's parents and sister. They knew the approximate schedule so they were starting to ask lots of questions. We didn't think we could keep them in suspense any longer. I actually got really strange about telling them. I didn't want anyone to know yet. Things can still go so bad but I guess we would need their support anyways. Both of our moms cried, his sister was super excited, and his dad told us to cancel the party that we have planed for next weekend. (guys are funny)

My contentment was short lived because of the onset of a horrible migraine. When it comes to pregnancy I view migraines as the kiss of death. With both chemical pregnancies I've come down with a horrible migraine just as my HCG started to tank. So, of course to me and migraine = miscarriage. I suffered quite a bit for the last 2 days. The first night I took oxyc.odone (approved by dr) and it helped take the edge off of my head but it still hurt and I felt drunk. Yesterday I took a vico.din (also approved by dr) and it did absolutely nothing for me. I spent the afternoon laying in the dark with ice on my head trying not to throw up. I came out of the dark at 6:30 for my proge.sterone shot and then went back to bed. I got up again at 10:30 to try to eat some dinner. I managed to eat a tomato, grabbed another cold ice pack and went back to sleep. I think I slept for about 13 hrs to conquer that headache. There has to be a better way.

Luckily I felt much better this morning. We got up and went straight to the doctor's office for my 3rd and final beta. I am sitting here scared out of my mind that it's going to be bad news. Come on phone, ring!!!

Beta #1 = 186!!!!!!!!!!

2008-10-22T19:57:00.000-07:00

This is the best anniversary present I could have ever imagined! I'm on cloud nine! Dr. D called me himself and he sounded so pleased with the results and happy to finally be delivering good news. My progesterone is 196. That is actually giving me more comfort than the beta.

There is no way I can wrap my brain around this yet. It's far too fresh and delicate. I'm so terrified of my second beta tomorrow. I was fairly calm going into the first beta because I was pretty sure that something would show up after the hpts. Now I have no way at all to guess if it's doubling as it should. I have never ever ever had a beta go up. This is the part where I start getting really scared. The wait tomorrow will be far harder than yesterday. I'm not complaining though. This is a much better position than I've ever been in before.

Wow, what a blessing!! J is so happy and scared too. I've been trying to keep our parents in the dark about our beta date. I told my mom that I couldn't tell her the date because it would stress me out. J's parents started asking him today if I've POAS. That's very unlike them so they must be really worried for us. He told them that we would know tomorrow. I was hoping to hold everyone off until our 3rd beta but that's okay. I'm glad they're all excited.

Well, this is different

2008-10-20T21:22:00.000-07:00

I tested again this morning and the line is getting to be sort of impressive. I'm not sure how to describe it, but it really isn't that much lighter than the control line. It's so different from my previous chemical pregnancies. I've been carrying my test around with me all day like a psycho because I can't believe it. I think I've shown it to DH about a hundred times.

Tomorrow is the big day. I'll go in for my beta at 8:30. I am so so nervous about it. I'm praying that it's over 100 so I can go into my second beta with a little confidence. Tomorrow is also our anniversary so hopefully that will bring us lots of good luck.

8dp5dt: Digital Says Pregnant

2008-10-19T22:06:00.000-07:00

Well, I made it a couple of days without testing. Then I started thinking that my positive test might be a fluke. I decided to POAS tonight and see if I could get a good result out of a digital. I am so extremely relieved that it was positive!!! Yay.

I've been blown away by the amount of cramps that I have had for the last few days. These cramps are like my worst AF cramps. They get especially bad when I lay down at night. I would think that they are period cramps for sure but they've been going on for days and I never get cramps until CD1. Since this is something I've never experienced with my chemical pregnancies, I'm hoping that this is a good sign for strong implantation.

6dp5dt = Happiness!!!!!!

2008-10-17T17:28:00.000-07:00

I guess I spoke too soon with my last post. I thought I was feeling calm about the whole process but that all changed when I got into bed last night. I started thinking about what would happen to us if this IVF doesn't work. I've thought of if a million times before but last night the weight of it all seemed like too much. Of course I had an estrogen melt down and a few tears were shed. J and I agreed that if this one doesn't work we will have HUGE decisions to make. Our RE has done everything he can for us. Now it's time to sink or swim.

No surprise that after our conversation I couldn't sleep at all. I was tossing and turning all night. I woke up this morning needing to pee and totally torn about testing. I stayed in bed forever trying to decide what to do and I finally decided that I was better off testing. I thought that if I didn't test I would spend the whole day stressing out and possibly crying about this whole mess.

I told myself about 20 times that it's only 6dp5dt so I won't see anything and then I POAS. I put down the test and brushed my teeth. When I picked it back up there were 2 lines. TWO LINES!!!!!! It had only been a minute and the line was super light, so I thought, okay this is a good start. Then I was shocked when over the next couple of minutes it kept getting darker. I said a quick prayer and went downstairs to find J. I pulled the stick out of my pocket and he looked a little panicked. Then he saw the two beautiful lines and he couldn't stop hugging me.

This is just the ray of hope that we needed. We have a long long way to go before I will believe that this might be real. I just feel so blessed to get this great news today. I'm going to spend the next few days praying my heart out and trying not to POAS again.

IVF #4: 4dp5dt

2008-10-15T13:28:00.000-07:00

I need to report on an earth shattering development: I don't want to test! For the first time in the history of my infertility, I don't want to test. I'm perfectly happy hanging on to this dream a little longer.

No symptoms to report yet. I've had some very very very mild cramping but nothing to get excited about. I've been thinking about my typical spotting. My 2 chemical pregnancies are the only 2 cycles in my life that I haven't spotted. So far I don't have any spotting but it's still really early.

Transfer: It's a girl!!...and a boy...and a girl!

2008-10-12T21:00:00.000-07:00

Yesterdays transfer turned out so much better than I expected. I went in at 9:30 for acupuncture. Things went quickly and I got all set up with the needles but still no word on our embryos. My acupuncturist didn't want us to be tortured anymore so she went off to find the embryologist and get the number. She came back happy and told us that we have 3 "normal" embryos. Huge, giant exhale. Ideally I was hoping for 4 but 3 made me perfectly happy.

After acupuncture, Dr. D came in with our PGD report to discuss the results. We all decided without any hesitation that all 3 embryos would be transferred. He held the information on a clipboard. It listed the findings from all 8 embryos with the 3 good embryos highlighted. He explained that the findings were good. The 5 abnormal embryos each had a different problem. One had Down Synd.rome. I can't remember the names or the other abnormalities. He thought that the ratio of normal vs. abnormal was well within acceptable range. Thank you God!

Then the shock came. He gave us the report on our normal embryos. He said "the first embryo is a normal hatching blastocyst female, the second is a normal morula male, and the third is a normal morula female." He just blurted out the genders of our embryos before we could even stop him. I wanted to be mad but the information was so exciting that I couldn't wipe the stupid grin off my face. Two girls and a boy! Absolutely amazing that we have that information. It brought everything that we are doing back into focus and let me imagine for a moment what could come of this if it works. It was a mistake on his part and I'm surprised to say that I'm so glad he made it.

The transfer went smoothly after that. Our beautiful embryos are home.

Eight is Enough

2008-10-10T19:38:00.000-07:00

Eight is more than enough actually. Wow, what a blessing! All 8 of our little embryos were going strong on day 3. I was shocked that every single one was fighting through. They were all between 7 and 10 cells on day 3. Dr. D decided to biopsy all of them and send the cells off to San Fran.cisco for PGD.

I am so thankful that we made it past the PGD hurdle. We have been praying that we would be able to do the testing to increase our odds. Now I'm terrified to hear the results. Chances are that about half of the embryos will be "good". I can't help but think about what will happen if they're all bad, or 95% bad. Oh boy.

We'll find out the PGD results when we go in for our transfer tomorrow morning. We have to be there at 9:30. It's such an amazing feeling to think that tomorrow our embies will be back with me. Oh please God, let them hang on tight this time!

IVF #4: Fertilization Report

2008-10-09T09:34:00.000-07:00

This news came the day after retrieval but I've taken a few days to post it. Out of our 13 eggs only 8 fertilized with ICIS. There is a 9th that is still being watched for late fertilization. I was hoping for a higher number but I'm glad that we have something to work with. Now I'm waiting on more news about PGD. We need 7 strong day 3 embies to do PGD.

I've been feeling like crap since my retrieval. My abdomen is so bloated and sore. I know it will be fine with time. I've been laying low and keeping a heating pad on it for the last few days.

Last night J and I went out to dinner with some friends and their baby. They didn't know about our TTC. We let them in on a little bit of our story but didn't tell them about IVF. It honestly sucked. She got pregnant with their baby after I was already well into infertility treatments. Now the baby is 6 months old. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them and wish them nothing but the best, but I am in no mood lately to sit around and gush about how beautiful and perfect and happy their son is. I'm such a mean person.

IVF #4: Egg Retrieval

2008-10-07T17:32:00.000-07:00

My egg retrieval went smoothly yesterday. I felt less anxious about it than I have in the past. I absolutely hate IVs but I think I'm getting more comfortable with the process. That said, I'm also getting very tired of the process.

When I woke up in post op I found out that they were able to get 13 eggs. Not great but not bad enough to bring on tears. I felt more beat up this time around. The nurse gave me something through my IV for the pain and it did nothing. She kept telling me just to take tyl.enol when I get home. I HATE that my doctor won't give any pain meds until you are already in a great deal of pain. So they sent me away while I was hurting. By the time we got half way home I was having awful stabbing pains on my right side. An hour after I got home I started taking leftover vico.din while calling my RE and asking for something to help. That's exactly why I keep leftovers around. If I played by my doctor's rules I would be sitting around dying for hours before getting any help.

Anyway, I laid in bed all day feeling like crap. I couldn't sleep all day because I was too uncomfortable. By 9:00 pm I had a migraine so out came the ice packs. At 11:30 I took tyl.enol pm to put me out of my misery. Fun day.

IVF #4: Triggered!

2008-10-05T17:05:00.000-07:00

After my last post I was ready to trigger, in my mind. When Dr. D wanted me to stim another day that was fine. Then when he wanted me to stim for a 10th day I had a total meltdown. I think all the estrogen took over and I got really upset. I didn't want anymore shots in the stomach and I didn't want the process to get pushed back for another day. I understand that stimming for 10 days is totally normal but I was being rational. That extra day of stims mean that we had to miss a MLB playoff game (poor J) and miss my BFF in town from out of state (poor me). Sigh.

From my last follie scan it looks like there will be 14 to aspirate. I'm praying that we'll have at least 12 eggs but I'm hoping for 15. I keep forgetting to ask about my last E2. I'm pretty sure it's over 3000.

Luckily I've been able to fight off the sinus infection :) I still don't feel perfect, but much better than I did.

So last night was the trigger. We shot up the ganerel.ix at 6:00 and the went out for a nice dinner. It was great to have a little date night. Then we came home did the trigger. It was hilarious. I am terrible about taking shots. J has to move quickly before I have a chance to panic. We both were a little confused about where the shot should go (I usually have the nurse mark my hip). Anyway I pointed out the spot......

:::Disclaimer: I have a couple of random freckles on my butt cheek. I have no idea why God put them there but they have been sort of helpful for injections.:::::

......I pointed to a freckle that is high on the outside of my hip and said "that's the spot, remember?" He said okay and went to town with the shot. I almost jumped out of my skin when he injected it in the middle of my butt cheek!! It wasn't even close to where it should have been. I was scared that it was going to hit my nerve but we lucked out and didn't have a problem. I asked him what the heck he was doing and said, "aiming for the freckle, like you said". I cranked my head around to examine my butt and see what on earth was talking about. It turned out he was aiming at the wrong freckle on a totally different hemisphere of my butt. How funny is that? We should not be trusted with this stuff.

IVF #4: Stim Day 8

2008-10-01T17:56:00.000-07:00

I had another ultrasound this morning and now I'll have one everyday. I had 10 measurable follies on the right and 4 (much smaller) on the left. (Come on lefty! You can do it!) Dr. D is still telling me this this cycle is very much like our last fresh round. That's good news for stimming and ER. After 7 days of stims my estrogen is 1363 up from 735 two days ago. I'm still on 225 folli.stim.

What's not so sweet is the sinus infection that just hit me. I felt awful yesterday when I woke up and spent the whole day in my pjs. Today wasn't much better. I got a few things done but I have a low fever and feel like crap. It caught me off guard. I haven't been sick in almost 3 years. I didn't think it was even possible when I'm already on antibiotics an steroids. Of course, my only concern is that I'm going to get so sick that my cycle will be canceled. I don't even want to think about that. Scary!

I'm also having a sudden and very real fear of our PGD. All along I've been thinking that PGD would help us sort our embryos. Now I'm realizing that I shouldn't assume that we will have any normal embryos, much less a selection. I need to prepare myself for the worst because the PGD could lead to some very very bad news. Of course, it could also lead to a great chance for increased odds. That's what we're praying for. I just have to tell myself that even if the news is bad, it is better to know about it now.

IVF #4: Moving right along

2008-09-29T17:17:00.000-07:00

I had my second stim check this morning. This time Dr. D measured 7 follies on the right and 4 on the left. All on the left are considerably smaller. I went straight to acupuncture and she tried to "wake up" my left ovary. I guess we will see. My left has always been the under performer since it keeps getting wrapped up in endo.

My E2 level is 780 and Dr. D is pleased with that. He said that my progress this time is almost identical to my last fresh cycle. I would be happy if we ended up with the same egg count (18). I don't want to get my hopes too high. The most important thing is getting enough embryos for PGD. I think they will do it if we have 6-7 embies.

Over the last 24 hrs I've been sabotaging my own folli.stim supply. It's like I'm working with half a brain. When it was time for my shot yesterday I had some major confusion about which folli.stim pen (yes, I have tons of them) is the right one. I don't know why I have old pens sitting around with old meds in them. Disaster waiting to happen. I finally decided that I was about 95% sure that I had the right pen. After I mixed the meds I expected the cartridge to be empty. It wasn't, so I started second guessing myself. I opened the pen and took out the cartridge to get a closer look. Of course, I dropped it on the floor and shattered the bottom half of the cartridge. Great! This stuff is like liquid gold and I'm ruining it. I think I can still finish the rest of the broken vial. The glass is broken below the plunger but the portion housing the medicine is totally intact.

I only have one unopened box of folli.stim left. Today my nurse told me that I would need more. I needed to order it today to avoid a problem. Here's a shocker, I forgot to order it. I'm such a moron. It's not like I was busy doing brain surgery today. It was so simple and I forgot. Ugh, I think I can get through with the meds that I have but it will be down to the drop.

IVF #4: First Stim Check

2008-09-27T12:52:00.000-07:00

I was a little surprised today when I had my meeting with my second husband, aka, the ultrasound wand. I've only had 3 days of stims but I'm already getting really sore and tender around my ovaries. The ultrasound was really uncomfortable.

The follies on my left ovary were still too small to measure but my right side already has some action. They measured 5 follies and one was already at 15. It actually had me a little worried but the nurse assured me that I'm not stimming too fast. I felt much better when I found out that Dr. D wants to keep me on 225 units of Follistim. If he wants my dosage to stay the same then he must like what is happening, at least that's what I hope.

The crappy part is that I have to start mixing in luv.eris and also taking ganar.elix shots tonight. I'm scared of the ganar.elix needles. They are pre-filled syringes and the needles suck. Last time the needles always wanted to bounce off of my skin. They never went in smoothly. Sometimes it took a few tries and by then the needles were so dull. Yikes! Ok, I'm not going to think about it because it has to be done. Without the ganar.elix I could loose my big follies and we can't let that happen.

IVF #4 is a go!!!!!!

2008-09-26T14:55:00.000-07:00

I am so so happy that we avoided another delay and were cleared to start IVF #4. My day 3 ultrasound showed 8 tiny follies on each ovary. I was thrilled out of my mind that my FSH went back down this month. My FSH level was checked early due to some confusion over my AF start date. My blood was taken on the day before CD1. Dr. D believed that it was close enough to count. The beautiful part was the number: 4.8. I'm sure on CD3 it would have been a little higher, but still. Gigantic exhale!

Today is my third day of Follistim (225 units). Tomorrow morning we will go in for my first follie check. Something happened with my second injection last night. I think J hit a blood vessel b/c I have the biggest bruise I've ever had from an injection. It's dark purple, raised, and about the size of a quarter. Hmmmm.

I'm fascinated by the election right now and I'm spending lots of time following the campaigns. It's actually a great distraction to keep my mind off of IF. I wish I could watch the debate live tonight but we're going to a baseball game. I'll catch the playback later.

Best Day Ever

2008-09-22T17:01:00.000-07:00

J sent me to the spa and it was a beautiful thing. I spent the whole day there :) I worked out in their gym then ate lunch by the pool. I had a Swedish massage and then took a nap in my robe on a lounge chair. It doesn't get much better than that. It was a beautiful, perfect, sunny day and the ocean views were breath taking.

It was so therapeutic because it's not just a spa. It's a magical place. It's the place that brought me to J and the place where we were engaged. It's our place. It reminds me of all that we have and how very lucky we are.

One more week of break.

2008-09-14T18:36:00.000-07:00

I hate breaks. I hate breaks with a passion. I would so much rather be working through IVF and actively trying to do something to improve our situation. Breaks = sitting around thinking about our crappy situation and letting more time pass without children in our lives. I have one more week to wait it out before AF arrives. Now that I've said that I'm sure she'll be inexplicably late.

I wanted to go to Houston this week to occupy my mind. Hurricane Ike ruined those plans. What an awful mess! God bless everyone that's in Houston/Galveston right now. The aftermath of Ike is horrible.

RPL & Karyotype

2008-09-08T17:51:00.000-07:00

We finally got the results back from our blood tests. It took a few days longer than expected so we were starting to sweat it out. The results were underwhelming:

Karyotype: All results were normal. I have been thanking God continuously for this great news. I can't let this blessing go by without giving honor where it's due. I honestly didn't know if I had the strength to take on a major chromosomal issue. Luckily we were blessed with good results so we can cross the karyotype off our list.

RPL: Again, all results were normal. This is where the emotions get confusing. I was honestly a little disappointed that nothing was found. I was surprised to hear my acupuncturist say that those feelings were justified and in my position she would also be pissed. At this point I'm just desperate for some answers. I want someone to tell us why I keep losing my pregnancies before I even have a chance to enjoy them. I know these things happen, but why twice in a row after all of this! I'm trying to convince myself that this is good news and I don't want another diagnosis (which is actually true). The only thing that these results have taught us is that we absolutely have to do PGD with our next IVF.

All that we've lost

2008-09-03T21:44:00.000-07:00

This always seems to happen on a break cycle but this one is hitting hard. The break gives me too much time to sit around and reflect on our journey, on all we've been through, on how much farther we'll have to go. I could never type long enough to cover all my thoughts/emotions on this topic. There are just no words that could appropriately convey the heartache and sacrifice. I can, however, list a few thoughts on all that IF has taken from us, things we can never get back.

I've lost the chance to tell my husband, "I'm pregnant!", and see surprise and excitement on his face. Instead he has to hold my hand and watch me cry over bad betas and vanishing lines on pregnancy tests. Even if I do get a good beta, he will know better than to actually think it will result in a baby. Instead he will be bracing for bad news and the next heartbreaking blow that is sure to be around the corner.

We've lost the chance to tell our families, "We're having a baby!", and see surprise and excitement on their faces. I wanted nothing more in life than to surprise our parents with the news of a new grandchild. That dream is long since gone. Instead of hearing good news from us they have to listen to month after month, cycle after cycle, IVF after IVF, of disappointment and sadness. It's gone on so long that I don't know how much longer I should expect them to care. How much support can they possibly give? If I ever am able to get pregnant I will never be able to surprise them and see pure love and happiness on their faces. They know our treatment schedule. They know when to expect the news, and they know it's going to be bad. It's always, always bad.

Finally, and most importantly, we've lost our innocence and everything that comes with it. I started thinking through all of these things today because something randomly reminded me of a time right before we started TTC. I will never ever forget the conversation we had about starting a family. J was ready to start trying much earlier than I expected and I was absolutely thrilled. I was full of hope, excitement, and something that eludes me lately; happiness. I remember at that time that any conversation about TTC would result in an ear to ear smile that would stay with me all day. It was our decision, our secret, our dream and our future. I always got butterflies in my stomach from the excitement I felt about becoming a mother and sharing that experience with my husband.

I can hardly stand to compare my feelings about TTC at the beginning of our journey to the emotions I associate with it now. We still have the same goal but everything else has changed. What we once thought was our decision, we now know is completely out of our hands. What was once our secret is now a public event, orchestrated by a team of medical professionals and reported in detail to our families and friends. What was once our future is now our failure. It's a crushing failure. How can a journey that once brought us so much joy and happiness now be so tainted by sorrow and heartache? It's hard to believe that we're still on the same road. The hardest thing is knowing that I can't go back. I will never be the innocent TTCer that has unprotected sex with my husband, waits 2 weeks, gets a positive test, and truly believes that I will have a healthy baby in 9 months (it's so ludicrous it's actually making me laugh). It's never gonna happen. Even if I were ever lucky enough to become pregnant, I would never ever be confident in expecting the pregnancy to be successful.

I know that these losses are minor in comparison to more important things that can be lost in life. They aren't even the biggest losses of the year for me. I don't let a day go by without thanking God for all the things that I haven't lost, all of the things that I have to be thankful for. It's those things that keep me going.

It came crashing down.

2008-08-26T20:11:00.000-07:00

Just when I think our situation can't get any worse, it does. Today started out with so much hope and ended with an absolutely crushing blow. Dr. D called me himself to give me the results of this mornings blood work. I knew it was a bad sign when I heard him on the phone. He told me that my thyroid is normal (yay), and my beta is negative (double yay), but my FSH is elevated (W.T.F).

He said that my FSH is a 12.7. It's ALWAYS been below a 6. He said that the number is so high that it isn't worth pursuing an IVF this cycle. I can come in next month and hopefully try then. He expects my FSH to go back down and then we will be able to continue treatment. He didn't seem overly concerned which was a stark contrast to the sheer panic and emotional outburst I was experiencing.

I know what a high FSH means. I'm not new to this game. It's a devastating prognosis. It's like my ovaries are turning in their "two weeks notice". So where the hell did this come from?? Why is it suddenly so high. He said it's not surprising coming off of a chemical pregnancy. I asked him if it was caused by the CP and he said no. I have no idea where this leaves me. I'm devastated.

It's absolutely blowing my mind that in addition to my advanced endo I'm now dealing with elevated FSH at the age of 30. 30!! Thirty freaking years old by one month! I have no idea how I'm going to get through the next month, two months, rest of my life. I've put EVERYTHING in my life on hold for these treatments. I want out.

WTF Indeed

2008-08-26T09:12:00.000-07:00

We had quite a conversation with our RE yesterday. It was the follow up to my chemical. I was fully prepared to go in there and convince him of all the reason why I should have a RPL. Instead he told us how sorry he was, sat us down, and began explaining all the reasons why he thought we needed an RPL. It happens this way with him every time. We are always on the same page and I never need to say a word. I feel lucky to have a doctor like him.

He wants us to go into another fresh IVF cycle and through 3 steps to try to avoid another chemical pregnancy. First is the repeated pregnancy loss testing. That involves testing thyroid, antibodies, and blood clotting. His office runs a 4 part screen for RPL. That isn't the most thorough in the world but it's a good start. He claims that any problems uncovered in an RPL will be treatable.

Our second step is karyotyping. It's a blood test run on both of us to check for chromosomal abnormalities. I thought that this was unnecessary for us since we are able to produce healthy blasts but I was wrong. We could still have karyotype issues. He says that there is only a 2% chance of finding something there. Some karyotype problems can be solved with PGD but others are untreatable and would require the use of donor eggs or sperm (terrifying).

If we don't find anything on either test (which is likely) we will move on to the third step: PGD. It's the genetic testing of one cell from each embryo on day 3. We wouldn't be doing it to look for problems necessarily, but to be able to transfer ALL of the genetically normal embryos in one shot, on a fresh cycle. It would give us the best possible odds.

That leads me to the shocker of the day. He said that the PGD would help sort out our embryos so we could transfer 6 or 7 of the best. Holy cow! 6 or 7!! I started laughing like a crazy person every time he said it and I don't even know why. I think I was scared and absolutely stunned that at my age my doctor is willing to do that. Am I really that bad? Am I really that infertile? The sad part is that I'm okay with transferring that many. If that's what it takes to get me pregnant then so be it. J was thrilled with the idea. He would transfer 20 embies if he could :)

We asked if it's time to start discussing third party reproduction (again, terrifying). He touched on a couple of options then went on to tell us that we aren't there yet and we "need to keep our eye on the ball", meaning our next IVF. Then he told us that he still truly believes that it will work and I will get pregnant. He's not the type of doctor to give us any fluff or try to make us feel good so that really hit home with me.

All of this was very exciting and brought back a little hope for us. Unfortunately it all hinges on one thing, my beta. If my beta results from this morning come back above a 5 then I won't be able to do IVF this cycle. It will be a scheduling disaster for us and an emotional nightmare. I'm hoping with everything in me that my beta will be zero. There is NO WAY I can sit out this month! For the record, they drew 7 vials of blood this morning. I'm so glad I don't have to do that again.

Picking up the pieces

2008-08-24T21:49:00.000-07:00

Old faithful showed up today. That's right, AF came along while we were sitting in church this morning. I've been telling myself that I'm lucky because it only took 4 days for her to come after my last beta. At least I can move on quickly. I'll take what I can get a this point.

So this is considered cycle day 1 for IVF #4. It's a place that I never in wildest dreams thought I would be. This is so surreal. It just so happens that after pleading with the nurse, tomorrow is the first available time that Dr. D could see us for our WTF appointment. Well, she gave us the choice between tomorrow and September 9th. Comical! So we will have a conversation with Dr.D about everything we are going to do going forward. I know that we won't have to take a break cycle after my chem preg. That was a huge relief. We need to move quickly while my endo is cleared out.

I'm going to do everything I can to get Dr. D to run a RPL on me. After my conversation with one of the nurses it doesn't sound like he is interested in doing it but I'm hoping I can convince him otherwise. Two miscarriages is enough for me, even if they were very early. I'm willing to do anything possible to keep from going through another. How can drs make you wait for 3 before running a panel? It seems cruel. The strange thing is that I don't even expect anything to be found on the RPL. I just want it done for peace of mind.

I think he's planning for this cycle to be just like our last fresh IVF. He expects a positive result this time because of my recent lap. I'm okay with the protocol. We got great embryos last time. I'm really concerned about what options we will have left if this fails. I don't think I can go through with this IVF without knowing what's waiting at the end. Of course, behind door #1 is the elusive BFP, but I have to know what's behind door #2. For the first time in this entire journey I honestly don't know what's waiting there. It's so scary and just thinking about it makes me feel so defeated.

I haven't written much about my chemical/failure last cycle. I was so upset when the first beta came in low. It was an awful day. Since then I've been stuffing my emotions and pressing forward. I didn't shed a single tear when got the bad news about the second beta. I still haven't. I can't. This journey has been so unbearably heart wrenching. I just can't process anymore sorrow. I've been silently drowning in heartache for the last 2 years and I just can't do it anymore. Not the IVF, the heartache. I can't do it. So for now I choose not to feel it. I'm ignoring the pain and moving on. I'm sure there are therapists out there that could give me thousands of reasons why that's not healthy, but I don't care. It's the only defense mechanism I have left. Will the sad reality come crashing down on me like a ton of bricks? I'm sure it will. But did I make it through this sh!tty week without any tears? Damn sure did!

It's over, again.

2008-08-22T08:59:00.001-07:00

My second beta was a 17. This is another chemical pregnancy. My heart is broken.

19

2008-08-18T14:29:00.000-07:00

my beta's a freaking 19. i.am. livid. obviously staring down the barrel of another chemical pregnancy. thanks for ripping my heart out of my chest once again IF, you piece of sh!t. the nurse told me that "we have to treat this as an actual pregnancy" so I have to continue the shots. that's really encouraging. glad to know that they have absolutely no hope for a positive outcome. i don't blame them. i told her that 19 is totally pathetic and she didn't disagree.

i'm sort of upset but mostly just seething with anger. i'll save my tears for wed. i have my repeat beta on wed. i can't wait for that call telling me that the hcg has dropped to a 4 or a 3 or a 2. so here i sit knowing that i'm barely pregnant and my endo ridden body is just trying to finish killing off the last of the embryos. i'm sure it will get the job done in the next 48 hours. i'm super efficient in that way.

It got darker!!

2008-08-18T09:43:00.000-07:00

Wow, I don't know if this is a joke or maybe my pee sticks are starting to feel sorry for me. I'm totally shocked that this morning's test is noticeably darker than the last three. We actually have a real line! I don't have to hold it up to the light or do any tricks to see it.

I was burned last time by a pee stick getting darker while my beta was actually dropping. I know that the darkness of the line doesn't really indicate what's going on in there. The only thing this new line is telling me is that there might still be a chance. I think it's fair to retain just a little bit of hope at this point. That's all I have room for. J keeps saying that all we wanted was a chance and now we might have that. Please let this be a good sign!

I went in this morning for my beta. We keep trying to figure out we expect the results to be, not that it matters what we expect. I just don't know after today's test. I'm expecting it to be positive and I'm just praying that it will be higher than the 32 that we had last time, preferably over a 50. I want it to be high enough to keep us hopeful going into a second beta. I would give everything I have for a doubling beta.........

9dp5dt

2008-08-17T15:06:00.000-07:00

It's getting worse. The line is F-ing getting lighter. Lighter!! I can't even process that I'm going through another chemical pregnancy. That has to be what this is. Even J, the perpetual optimist, agrees that this has to be another chem preg. Now I'm actually praying that there will be enough HCG left in my system tomorrow morning for it to even show up in my blood work. What if it all goes away before I even have my beta?!?!?! What the hell? How has it come to this again?

Let's see. I'm going to predict that my beta tomorrow comes back at a whopping 20. Then I'll get to continue my shots and go back on Wednesday for a repeat that should top out at about a 4, but hey, 4's my lucky number so f me. My symptoms are gone, no nausea, no nothing. At least if I can't have a baby I still get to keep these disgusting @ss bruises on my butt cheeks.

8dp5dt

2008-08-16T20:23:00.000-07:00

I wish I could say that the line got darker today but it didn't. It's still super faint. I didn't want to test this morning because I just knew that would be the case. Ugh. I feel like I'm headed straight for another chemical pregnancy. Why can't it just get darker??? Please just let it get darker!!!!

I need to count my blessings. I know that I'm in a far better position than I was two days ago. Any line is a total miracle at this point. I don't want to get greedy I just want to feel like I have an advantage for once. I can't do anything but sit and wait. I'm saying constant prayers for a darker line and a high beta.

I'm so desperate for something good to happen. Today was a horrible day for Daddy. He's in the hospital and I'm just crushed b/c I can't get there to see him. I'm so sick of wasting all of my time and energy on IF. Please let this be the end!

Shhhhh.....

2008-08-15T09:10:00.000-07:00

....I'm so hesitant to post this because it might just be my imagination. To call it a line would be an exaggeration. I saw the faintest hint of a pink shadow on my test this morning. I'm not calling this a BFP. It's not nearly dark enough for that. The only thing I can say is that it's not blank and I haven't had any HCG in 2 months.

I've been testing for several days and getting increasingly pissed off by BFNs. I've already cried my eyes out over this cycle failing. I even made J take me to a movie yesterday to get my mind off of this crap. In the middle of the movie I broke out in a cold sweat and had to do everything I could to keep from throwing up. I chalked that up to my headache medicine (even thought it's never had that effect before). Then we had dinner after the movie and as soon as we got home I was running to the bathroom with dry heaves. Again, it's most likely that all of my meds are making me feel crummy but I'm praying that it's a pregnancy symptom. How crazy do you have to be to pray for nausea?

Losing it!

2008-08-12T11:58:00.000-07:00

I knew I couldn't make it through this FET gracefully. I've been trying my hardest but today the weight of it all is catching up with me. I'm slipping away from hope and into negativity. I'm sure it's normal for this part of the process but I still hate it.

Today I can't stop thinking that NOTHING has ever worked for us. Nothing! Ever! Why on earth should I think that this could be our time? It seems like any hope is just an obvious set up for failure. Of course, failure is the scariest part. If this FET fails, then I will go directly into another fresh IVF without a break. Right now I just don't think I have it in me. J said that we could take a break if I needed it but I reminded him that a break would just allow more endo to grow back and hurt our chances even more. After another fresh cycle I don't even know what options we would have left.

This isn't meant to be a pity party. I know it's not over yet. I'm just so so scared. Lord please give me strength.

That's better.

2008-08-10T19:06:00.000-07:00

After 3 days I've finally conquered my migraine. Yay!! There's a good chance that it will come back but I'm so glad to get a break from it today. This is also my last day of steroids. I'm excited about that because after tonight I should be able to sleep a little better.

I'm starving today but nothing tastes good and I'm a little naseous. I'm sure it's just the hormones. It's too early to have any real symptoms. Can't wait to start testing. Time is just creeping by so slowly .........

Oh My Aching Head

2008-08-09T18:19:00.000-07:00

I don't have much to report since I'm stuck here on bed rest watching the Olympics. My only realization is that the FET drugs do not agree with my head. I'm working on my 3rd day in a row of migraine pain. I've been fighting chronic migraines for about 9 years. I've always been concerned about getting pregnant because the only medication that works well for me isn't approved for pregnancy (of course).

Anyways, the years of TTC have been a nightmare for managing migraines. I could take my meds before I ovulated and then I would try my hardest not to in the 2ww. Sometimes, early on, I would have a huge migraine in the 2ww and have to take meds. Then I would worry myself sick that I had hurt our baby. The worry was always pointless.

My RE won't allow me to take my meds during treatment because it will restrict blood flow to my uterus. I have been very very lucky to avoid major migraines through most of my treatment cycles. However, this FET is turning out to be a different story. In preparation for the transfer I started taking estrogen and progesterone injections twice daily. The combination is wreaking havoc on my head. Dr. D has tried to treat my past headaches using Vico.din with little luck. Now my only option is Oxy.codone. I've been taking it now for 3 days and I don't see an end in sight for this headache. Every 6 hours when the oxy wears off the pain comes right back. I know that I'll be fine but I'm a little uncomfortable plowing through these narcotics. Hmmm...

8-08-08 FET!!!

2008-08-08T18:05:00.000-07:00

Our transfer is complete and now I'm settling into bed rest. We went in at 11:15 for acupuncture and an 11:45 transfer. We were Dr. Ds last appointment before his 2 week vacation. Good timing!

When we got there the embryologist gave us the most unbelievable news. All 4 embryos survived the thaw! I was (and still am) in total shock. I was preparing for 2 but just praying like crazy for 4. The steroids that I'm taking keep me up most of the night so I have been spending lots of time talking to God about this transfer and our embryos. This is such an unbelievable blessing. Just knowing that all 4 now have a chance to survive has brought so much peace to my heart. An IVF 2ww is always super hard but I think this small miracle will make it easier for me.

There was really no discussion required for the number to transfer. We transferred 3 day-3 embies the first time. The second time we transferred 3 blasts. Since we are 0 for 2, it makes sense to use all 4 frozen blasts. Besides, I would never discard a viable embryo. Three of our embies were expanding and looked "great". The fourth was still viable but making slower progress. The embryologist was pleased with the condition of all 4 and they all received assisted hatching.

I feel so blessed and finally hopeful again. I'm proud to say that for today we're a family of 6.

Counting Down

2008-08-07T12:03:00.000-07:00

Exactly 24 hours from now our little embryos will be transferred. Even earlier than that they will have to pass the test of the thaw! I don't know why but I am so excited that our transfer will be on 8-08-08. That seems really lucky for some reason. I think it will be a great day for great things to happen. J thinks we will transfer all 4 embryos and they will all implant and split. Then we will conceive 8 babies on 8-08-08. hahaha!

I had so many things that I wanted to do today before I'm on bed rest. Unfortunately my body had something else in mind. I was hit with a migraine last night. I took pain meds and went to sleep but it was still going strong this morning. Since I can't take Imi.trex Dr. D is having me try Oxy.codone. It takes the edge off the pain and turns me into a total zombie.

Getting Nervous

2008-08-06T20:25:00.000-07:00

This is a pointless and futile thing to worry about but I can't push it out of my mind. Dr. D has agreed that we should transfer all four of our frozen blasts. That's some heat but we totally agree that it's necessary. Three fresh blasts last time didn't get us anywhere. If we have less than 4 blasts to transfer I know I will be totally crushed and write off the whole cycle.

I know that my expectations are totally unrealistic. Statistically we will be so lucky if we have 2 embryos survive the thaw. I just can't make myself accept that and think that way. We've lost so many embryos already that it breaks my heart. I've personally killed 6 in utero. I just want all 4 to get a fighting chance.

I'm praying my brains out for our four little guys. I'll also be praying for God to move my heart to happiness and contentment with any outcome. I hear negativity can be bad for implantation :)

8 Days Until FET

2008-07-30T20:52:00.000-07:00

Well, well, well we're actually getting close to our next transfer. It's hard to believe. I feel like I'm getting off easy since I'm not having to stim. It's a nice change.

I went to the doctor today for an ultrasound. I was so relieve to hear that my lining was good and I was cyst free. Go me! J told me again that this is another sign of how "healthy" I am. LOLOLOLOLOL! I told him that if I was healthy then I would have been pregnant 2 years ago! We have that conversation frequently.

It's sort of sad that I don't have anything to say about the FET. I feel so numb to this whole process. I think my mind is blocking it all out to keep me from getting hurt again. It's like it's not even happening. I have no hopes and no excitement. I feel like the chances of this working are about a billion to one. I actually think I could get more hope and excitement from a lottery ticket at this point. It seems more likely to pay off.

In the spirit of recording the process, the estrogen has been giving me annoying dull headaches all week. I'm on 6 pills daily.

No Infertility Coverage

2008-07-28T13:00:00.000-07:00

I'm no stranger to this situation but now it seems like a slap in the face. J and I have had the same insurance coverage since we were married. That coverage provided exactly $2,000 worth of infertility coverage. It was only a teeny tiny fraction of what we have spent so far but at least it was something. We spent over 3 months writing letters to the insurance company before actually collecting that $2,000.

Now, J's company insurance has changed to a new carrier. I've been waiting for months to get the group number and information needed to check our INfertility benefits. I've been praying and hoping that our new insurance would help ease the burden of this IF nightmare. This morning we called and got our answer, "NOTHING". Absolutely nothing is covered. Thank you very much. Glad we got that resolved.

Lap Results: Advanced Stage III Endo

2008-07-09T18:18:00.000-07:00

Dr. D said that my endo was considerably worse than last year. It has progressed to advanced stage III endo. I haven't talked to him yet about the location of the endo but I have some lovely pictures. The black adhesions do seem more prevalent this time. The surgery lasted 1.5 hrs so there was clearly more work to be done this time.

Dr. D also worked on the inside of my uterus. He found some tissue that he described as hard and "avascular" which could inhibit implantation. He "tilled" the tissue (sliced it and peeled it back) to create a better environment for our embryos.

I'm totally fascinated by one of the pictures that we were given. It's a snapshot of the inside of my uterus and it shows the site of my miscarriage. It's just a red spot but it's somehow comforting to me. The chemical pregnancy was so brief that it seems like I just imagined it. It's nice to have it on paper to see that something actually happened.

I didn't even get to talk to Dr.D after the surgery so I still have questions. My post-op is on Monday so hopefully he will clear me to go off of the BCP and prepare for our FET. I've been in more pain this time than with my last lap. I was pretty miserable yesterday but today is better and tomorrow I should be off the pain meds. J is being such a saint and taking great care of me. We're both just glad to get this behind us.

I needed a break

2008-07-06T21:44:00.000-07:00

I needed to take away some of the power that infertility has over my daily life. I've been consumed and I'm tired of it. I guess it's okay to be consumed by something if the energy is positive. Unfortunately, since my last cycle, every single thought of TTC has been 100% negative so I needed some distance.

My family came to visit for a week so my "break" was going very well. It seems so soon but it's already time for my laparoscopy. Tomorrow's the big day, just shy of a year since my last lap. I'm not excited at all about the lap. Last time I was so excited because I thought it would actually make a difference. What a joke. Now I feel like it is just another step that we have to take on the road to being told that we will never have children. I'm just going through the motions and I expect no positive outcome from it.

I was telling J tonight that I think I'll be disappointed in my surgery results, whatever they are. If there is tons of endo then that sucks. If they find no endo then that sucks too, because then we don't know what's preventing implantation. Last year my OB found stage II-III endo. I guess that's what I'm expecting again. Uggh, let's get this over with.

I'm Pissed.

2008-06-24T23:02:00.000-07:00

How's that for an update! Lovely, just like my attitude right now. It's only been a week since we found out about the chem preg, but I am still so angry. I don't know if it's a healthy way to feel or not. If I have to do something productive or be around people I'm only able to stuff my emotions for an hour or two max. Then I can't take it anymore and I go back into angry/bitter/sad mode. Note an emphasis on the angry and bitter. I'm usually able to move on and look ahead but I'm in it deep this time.

I had to go back to Dr. D's office this morning to get blood work. They needed to make sure that all of the HCG was out of my system. I loved having an appointment to make sure that I'm totally and completely not pregnant. I passed with flying colors. Yay me!

I was caught totally off guard by how angry (there's that word again) and upset I was walking into the doctor's office. The last two times I was there I was pregnant. WTH! I had so many questions to ask the nurse about my FET cycle but I couldn't get any of them out because I was choking back tears. Why?! Why today? I didn't cry yesterday! I just need to get past this and find some hope again. I feel so bad for J. He doesn't know what to do with me. He's hanging in there like a champ on my roller coaster of emotions. Bitterness is so unattractive and selfish. I can't believe this is where life has taken me.

WTF Appointment

2008-06-21T11:45:00.000-07:00

We had our follow up appointment with Dr. D. He is very encouraged that I had a chemical pregnancy and so is J. I wish I could feel the same way. I still feel like it was a cruel trick that didn't get us any closer to our goal.

I had great concerns about immune issues and antibodies attacking our embryos (thank you google). I had convinced myself that type of testing was our next step. So, I wasn't expecting it and I wasn't totally shocked when Dr. D gave me my sentence, another lap. Gosh, it's just what I've always wanted, and just in time for my 30th birthday.

Dr. D thinks my endo has come back in full force since my lap last year. He gave endo a 95% chance of causing the failed implantation. We discussed it for quite some time and then agreed that if he doesn't find significant endo during the lap then we would pursue other tests before my next cycle. I was also bummed about the lap because it thought it would push us out an extra month. We have company coming to stay with us this month. I just didn't see how I could work around that for a lap on CD6-11. I was so super happy when Dr. D told me that taking BCPs would allow me to have the surgery later in the month. Yay, no extra break cycles :)

So our official plan is for a lap in a few weeks followed the next month by a frozen embryo transfer. If that doesn't work we will go immediately into another fresh cycle. J seems to be spending lots of time trying to figure out exactly how many embryos with make it through the thaw. We have 4 to work with so I'm praying that they will all stay strong.

I wish I could say that I'm excited and hopeful but I'm not. I think I can get there but it's going to take some time.

It's Over

2008-06-18T22:16:00.000-07:00

It's over as soon as it started. I had the pleasure of being pregnant for 48 hours. I guess when I said that I felt like I didn't deserve it I was right. I didn't deserve it.

To be honest I was shocked, stunned. I had concerns that my count might not double. I honestly thought that if it fell short it would at least be close. My jaw just hit the floor when the nurse told me that my beta DROPPED........to 19!!! WTH! I will never ever again have faith that a pee stick means anything! The freakin line was getting darker. A 19 shouldn't even register as a positive test.

I can't find any way to summarize my emotions. I'm usually able to contain them at least for awhile. This time I was crying before I hung up the phone and within seconds I was bawling my eyes out. I don't remember ever crying that hard. Poor J. I know he's hurting too. I think he was even more shocked than I was. He is so strong. He's my rock. He holds it all together for me when I can't do it for myself.

I still have much more to say about this. It will come. Tomorrow we meet with Dr. D for our WTF appointment.

Waiting

2008-06-16T21:54:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning sick with worry about my beta doubling. I POAS again and was able to exhale a little. Today the line was noticeably darker. Today I could see the line at arms length without holding the test at a funny angle under a light. Today we have a real line :) I know that HPTs don't tell you how pregnant you are, but I'm taking this as a good sign. We might have a shot at a doubling beta.

Luckily I made it through the day without a headache (yay). I could feel my racing heart again this morning. It feels like it could jump out of my chest. At the risk of sharing too much, my boobs are so sore! I think that's likely just a side effect of the progesterone.

We're waiting anxiously for beta #2. I'm thanking God right now for every single second that I'm able to say, "I'm pregnant." I feel like I don't deserve this.

A Teeny Tiny BFP!!!!!

2008-06-15T21:27:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning and tested again. Of course it resulted in another almost invisible line. I can't tell if they are getting any darker but I know they aren't getting lighter. J and I were pleased that at least something was still showing on the test, something very very faint.

We raced off on our half hour drive to church where we taught Sunday School for the first time. I agreed to teach weeks ago but so far my ER and bed rest has been interfering. We spent an hour teaching energetic 7 year olds about Jesus :) Then we jumped back in the car and raced back half an hour to the doctor.

The doctor's office was super crowded. I sat down to have my blood drawn and Dr. D came over to us to talk. I've never seen him in the office on a Sunday so that was unusual. He's also never had a conversation with us during a blood draw. He discussed our frozen embryos and how he hoped they could give us good news. It was totally out of character for him.

After that we grabbed a quick lunch and came home to stare at my phone until rang. We waited almost 5 hours playing through different scenarios and possible outcomes. I decided that from looks of our HPTs I would be satisfied with any number over 25. We would at least have a prayer.

Finally the phone rang and our favorite nurse gave me the good news: the test was positive!! And the bad news: my HCG level is only 32. She assured me that it is possible to have a successful pregnancy with a 32 but it is definitely on the low side. My progesterone is also a problem at 18. The doctor wants it to stay above 20 so my dosage was increased from 1cc to 1.5cc.

J and I are both thrilled out of our minds. Unfortunately we've been playing this game too long to get excited while things are still this uncertain. I haven't cried or screamed or even tried to embrace this yet. I need the comfort of a few doubling betas before I can exhale and start wallowing in happiness. But for now, I am pregnant for the first time in my life!! This Father's Day brings the hope that I might actually make J a father.

Thank you God for this incredible blessing!

The Shadow

2008-06-14T20:03:00.000-07:00

Typing through the pain right now to get a record of what's been going on lately. Today I woke up with the most unbelievable migraine. The pain is a 10 out of 10 as far as headaches go. 13 hours and a half a bottle of vicodin later it's not any better. We canceled all of our plans today so I could lay in bed with ice on my eye. The pain is so sharp that it's making me want to throw up.

Now for a recap of our recent emotional roller coaster. I can't believe I did this to myself. I've never been an early tester, usually just right before beta. This cycle J wanted to do everything differently so I've been POAS the whole way through. I'm pretty sure this IVF is another freakin failure. Who knows what's really going on because these test are so freaking ambiguous. I only took 5000units HCG so I was able to start testing really early. Here's what I have:

2dp5dt: BFN

3dp5dt: BFN

4dp5dt: BFN

5dp5dt: (FMU target test) very faint shadowy 2nd line visible to us both

5dp5dt: (evening test, switched to first response) line is fainter than before, very very hard to see.

6dp5dt: line is almost totally gone. Don't know if we can even really see a shadow.

7dp5dt: BFN

8dp5dt: (morning)The faint shadowy second line is back. It's still really hard to see.

8dp5dt: (evening) Same shadowy line.

9dp5dt: Another light line. No darker than before. Hard to see

We thought we were getting evap lines so J peed on one. His test didn't produce any shadow where the second line should be. It was totally white. We have absolutely no idea what to think of all of this. At 12dpo we were certain that this IVF was a total failure. Now we're still not expecting a positive result but wondering it this might be a chemical pregnancy. I can't imagine that at 14dpo the line would still be so so light if I were pregnant. At the same time, however faint they might be, I have produced line after line.

So tomorrow's Father's Day and we're going in for our beta. I'm praying with all my heart that we will get the news that we want. I honestly don't know if we can take another disappointment.

6dp5dt

2008-06-11T17:07:00.000-07:00

Scratch one more day off the list. I'm at the point where normal function/conversation is pretty much impossible. My mind is totally occupied with the terror of a potential BFN around the corner. I'm useless and I don't even think it's worth fighting it.

Today I've had more cramps. I also have a full blown migraine for the first time this cycle. I think it came today because I started the estrogen patches yesterday. I can't take my imitrex and Tylenol is a joke. For now I just have to lay here and take it.

J was at an interview all day today. I'm so proud of him. Thank God one of us is being productive.

5dp5dt

2008-06-10T16:11:00.000-07:00

Here's the "symptom" update for today. I had another brief cramping spell this afternoon. I've also had a dull headache most of the day. Here's the doozy...... my heart has been POUNDING all day long. I can feel my pulse up in my throat and it seems really fast. I don't even know how to explain it. I've never heard of that as a pregnancy symptom but it's been bugging me all day so it seems worth mentioning.

Ahhh, the joys of the temporarily insane 2ww brain.

June 10th

2008-06-10T08:28:00.000-07:00

I've POAS for the last 4 mornings. I've been trying to brace myself and ease into a BFN. I've never been an early tester. J agreed that I should do it because we want to do EVERYTHING different this cycle. We're trying to change our luck by doing every single thing differently.

No big surprise that the tests have all been white, white, white. Just what I expected. Until today. Today there is a...... shadow. It's not a line. It's barely a shadow, but it's something. I couldn't believe it. Surely my eyes had to be playing tricks onme. I came flying down the stairs in my undies to show J. He could see it too! I wasn't loosing my mind! Then he told me that he fished yesterdays test out of the trash when I wasn't looking and he thought he saw a shadow on that one too! Where was that information?!?

I'm not calling this a positive. It is far too faint. It's a barely visible, possibly imaginary, shadow. Praise God for this glimmer of hope! We have been praying morning, noon, and night for this. I've been telling J all week that June 10th is our lucky day. It's the day of our first date. The day that marked the beginning of our relationship. The day that it all started. The day that changed our lives forever. From the first day we were solidly and wholly committed to each other and we never looked back. I can't think of a better day to see our first "positive" test. If this is real, our lives again will change and hopefully we will never have to look back.

4dp5dt

2008-06-09T17:30:00.000-07:00

For the record, I think analyzing symptoms during IVF is a waste of time. With the amount of Progesterone I'm on the side effects are crazy. I know that there isn't a single symptom out there that I can count on to assure a BFP. I promised myself that I would keep track of how I'm feeling in the 2WW this time. I want to have a record for comparison if, God forbid, I have to do this again.

So, until today I've had what I would describe as an achy abdomen. It wasn't cramps but just a dull ache that I am sure is due to the stims and ER. This afternoon I briefly experienced some cramping for the first time. Today the shots seem to be catching up with me. My energy level is shot and I am so tired. Unfortunately I'm too anxious to sleep. I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up on Sunday :) I'm also starving (again, progesterone) and peeing every 20 minutes (lovely).

Ever The Same

2008-06-09T12:35:00.000-07:00

I came across this song months ago and thought it was beautiful. I listened to it again recently and was so moved by the lyrics. The way he talks about holding and supporting each other through heartbreak is so touching. I know that I'm putting my interpretation onto something that probably has nothing to do with IF but for me that's exactly what it's about. It reminds me of the way that J holds me up when I'm down and gets me through all of the hard times. Sometimes your so broken down that all you can do is cling to each other.

IF tests marriage like few things can. Luckily it's making ours even stronger. This is a great reminder for us to "fall on" each other when times are hard. I listened to this during our ET.

EVER THE SAME

Rob Thomas

We were drawn from the weeds
We were brave like soldiers

Falling down under the pale moonlight

You were holding me

Like someone broken

And I couldn't tell you but I'm telling you now

Just let me hold you while you're falling apart

Just let me hold you and we'll both fall down

Fall on me

Tell me everything you want me to be

Forever with you

forever in me

Ever the same

We would stand in the wind

We were free like water

Flowing down Under the warmth of the sun

Now it's cold and we're scared

And we've both been shaken

Yeah, look at us man, This doesn't need to be the end

Just let me hold you while you're falling apart

Just let me hold you and we'll both fall down

Fall on me

tell me everything you want me to be

Forever with you

Forever in me

Ever the same

Call on me

And I'll be there for you and you'll be there for me

Forever it's you

Forever in me

Ever the same

You may need me there

To carry all your weight

But you're no burden I assure

You tide me over

With a warmth I'll not forget

But I can only give you love

Doubt Creeps In

2008-06-08T10:06:00.000-07:00

Well that didn't take long. I've come off of the high of having great embryos and a great transfer. While I still find encouragement in our numbers, I'm also starting to feel panicked about the outcome. Our failure 2 months ago is still so fresh on my mind. I think it's my internal self defense mechanism that is telling me over and over again, "this.will.fail". I honestly can't imagine it going any other way. I have never in my life seen a positive pregnancy test. The idea that I might see one in a few days just seems ridiculous..... ludicrous!

I'm trying to be positive. I want to be positive. But positive always leads to more hurt in the end. At this point I'm not up for anymore hurt. So, since being positive is too much to ask, all I can do is try not to be negative. The best I can give is neutral and that's my goal.

Amazingly it takes a high level of distraction to achieve neutral. I have to keep my mind occupied to prevent the negativity from creeping in. I'm doing everything I can. I had a nice distraction yesterday. J's parents came by and brought us a roast and lots of other goodies to eat. It was so nice to see them and get to chat. J's mom even walked the dogs for me since I'm still on bed rest. That was a perfect treat and just what we needed.

The Fantastic Four..... Frozen Embies

2008-06-07T12:26:00.000-07:00

I was just taking to J and telling him that I don't know what in the world we will do if this IVF doesn't work. It's overwhelming to think of what our next step might look like. Then in the middle of our conversation the phone rang. It was Dr.D's office calling to tell us that 4 blasts made it to freeze!! Wow, how's that for an answer to my question?

We knew that we would be able to freeze two. We were told that on the day of our transfer. At that point we also had 4 "slow growers" that the embryologists were going to watch. They didn't sound very hopeful that any of them would make it. I was really expecting that none of them would make it. So it turned out that two of them were little fighters and they ended up making it to blast after all :)

This is just one more incredible blessing to add to the list this week. Also, for what it's worth, 4 has always always always been my favorite/lucky number. So that's tight.

Show Me the Embies!

2008-06-06T12:31:00.000-07:00

Well here they are. Our 3 beautiful blasts are on the left. And just for comparison you can see our previous day 3 embies on the right. I think it's amazing that you can count every cell in a day 3 embryo (8-10 cells) but by day 5 there are too many cells to count (approx 150-200).

J has been reading up on blasts and we were surprised to find out that by day 5 the cells are already separating into "placenta cells" and "fetus cells". I know, my terminology is impressive.

It's crazy that little blobs can mean so much to me. Hopefully they are all getting cozy and settling in for a nice long stay. It's been exactly 24 hours since the transfer so implantation may have already happened. I'm just praying and praying and praying that they're hanging on.

Come to Momma

2008-06-05T20:47:00.000-07:00

< (acupuncture before transfer)

The transfer was perfect! We couldn't have asked for anything better. We went out for an early lunch date and then arrived at the doctor's office at 12:30. I had acupuncture first. It was so relaxing and I listened to great music on my ipod to prepare.

Next the embryologist came in the room. We were hoping it would be the same one we had last time but it wasn't. We were so anxious to hear about our embryos that we were about it loose it. We hadn't had an update in 48 hrs. The embryologist looked at her clipboard. She said "so, we're doing two." Then she acted like she was ready for me to sign it. J and I both felt immediate panic because we thought she was saying that we only had 2 embies left. Finally, after some prodding, she explained that we actually had 5 perfect blasts :) We also had 4 more embryos that hadn't yet made it to blast stage but they were still growing. Huge sigh of relief!

We explained to her that we wanted to transfer at least 3. She left the room to talk to our RE. They came back together and Dr. D told us that he agreed with transferring 3, but would not do more. J made the decision and told him that 3 would be our magic number.

After that things went perfectly. The transfer was smooth and my lining looked great. Dr. D said that the cycle and embryos were "spectacular" and really believes it will work. I spent another half hour on the transfer table for more acupuncture.

We were given pictures of our 3 little blasts. J has been reading and reading about blasts online. He is so proud of the photos that he emailed them to our parents. They just look like little blobs but they are the world to us.

The most incredible thing is that we will have at least 2 frozen blasts!! The 4 "slow growers" are still being watched. If any of them make it to blast stage they will also be frozen. I just can't believe it. I feel so incredibly blessed today.

Guy's Choice

2008-06-05T09:05:00.000-07:00

I forgot to mention one major detail in our "magic number" discussion. I told J that I want the number of embryos that we transfer to be fully and completely his choice. I know that he thought I was joking at first. I've had such strong opinions through our entire TTC journey.

Now I'm honestly and wholeheartedly handing it over to him. It actually makes perfect sense. I have never seen him make a bad decision (except for sock matching). It's also unfortunate that the IVF process has to revolve so much around me. I want him to feel like he has more influence. So, there it is. If there is any decision to be made at all during our transfer it will be his choice. He's taking his job very seriously :)

A Comment!

2008-06-04T19:56:00.000-07:00

Bless your heart! Thank you so much for leaving an encouraging comment on my blog. That just made my day :)

What's the magic number?

2008-06-04T19:17:00.000-07:00

J took me out to lunch today and we had a nice talk about our transfer tomorrow. We've been spending lots of time lately discussing how many embryos we should transfer. Last time we used 3, but it was a 3-day transfer. With a 5-day transfer our chances will be better and our odds increase.

J feels strongly that we should transfer as many as we possibly can. He argues that at this point we still don't even know if I can get pregnant so we should give it all we have. Last time I disagreed with him, but now I'm on board. It's amazing how an IVF BFN can change your thinking.

Provided we still have plenty of healthy embies tomorrow, we expect that our doctor will recommend transferring 3. If that's the case we will ask for 4. It seems that the doctor has much more say in the transfer than we do so it may not do any good. We both also know that you can't plan in advance what you will do on the day of transfer. That is what makes tomorrow so exciting and scary.

So So So Happy!!! 5 Day Transfer!

2008-06-03T15:00:00.000-07:00

We got the most exciting news this morning! I was cleaning the house and getting dressed in preparation for going into Dr. D's office for our transfer. J answered the phone and was told that we didn't need to come in because we are going to make it to a 5 day transfer!

All 11 of our embryos are still thriving:) They are all 8-10 cells in size right now, which is perfect for day 3. One is a grade B and the other 10 are all grade A. I was jumping up and down and giddy with excitement when J gave me the news.

This is so important to me because it clearly separates this cycle from our last IVF. It gives me hope again and a reason to believe that this one might actually work. Last time we had great embryos but not enough of them to try for day 5. I have been praying for something to set this cycle apart and here it is. We're just so thrilled.

11 Embryos!

2008-06-02T10:52:00.000-07:00

Finally. Finally! I got Dr. D on the phone. He told me that 17 of our 18 eggs were good enough to ICSI. That resulted in 11 embryos. That fertilization rate is not as good as last time (11 out of 18 instead of 6 out of 7), but our number is higher. I was really hoping for 15 but decided that I wouldn't cry if we got 10 or more. So, 11 it is.

I was told that we still have a good chance for a 5-day transfer. I really hope we can make it to day 5. I think we need something extra going for us to make it work this time. They won't look at the embryos today so I'm just praying that they are growing and strong.

Now we wait for the phone call tomorrow morning to find out about our transfer. If we need to do a day-3 then it will happen tomorrow. If we can make it to day-5 then the transfer will happen on Thursday. Until then I have my first progesterone shot to get excited about :(

No Big Deal

2008-06-01T16:14:00.000-07:00

Hey, it's no big deal! Seriously Mr. Embryologist, don't worry about calling. We're just sitting around wondering if we CREATED LIFE!! Really though, if today's not convenient for you maybe you can find time in the next week or so.

I'm totally relaxed about the whole situation. I can even go about 27 seconds without thinking about how many embryos we have. See there. No big deal!

:::Update::: They never called....... They never freakin called!!

Ouch

2008-06-01T09:25:00.000-07:00

I certainly feel different after this egg retrieval. My stomach is so so sore. When the vicodin wears off I can't even stand up straight. Last time I made it 2 days on tylenol alone. I've been told that the more follicles you have the more painful the recovery. If that's the case then it's a small price to pay. I thought I would bounce back today but now it's clear that I'll be down and out for a bit.

18 Eggs!

2008-05-31T21:29:00.000-07:00

I'm lounging around recovering from today's egg retrieval. In order to appreciate the outcome you have to compare it to my last IVF cycle. Last time I used the long Lupron protocol to prevent overstimulating. I guess I got my money's worth out of the Lupron because I was over suppressed. My egg retrieval for IVF #1 resulted in only 7 eggs. I was crushed and shocked after expecting to produce 3 times that amount.

This cycle Dr. D changed my protocol. He wanted me to produce 15-20 this cycle. I didn't use any Lupron and increased my Follistim to 225. It seemed that things were going better initially and then the follicles on my left ovary started lagging. My left ovary has always under preformed. It was totally covered in endo and now it just can't keep up. At my pre-op appointment yesterday Dr. D told me that the most we should hope for is 12 eggs. I tried not to show it but I was totally disappointed.

J and I have been praying for a high egg count. I came out of surgery and was so happy to hear my doctor say "18". I thought I was still asleep so I had to ask him to repeat it. Needless to say, I was relieved. Eighteen eggs means that we have a chance at 18 embryos! Now we are back to praying, this time for a great fertilization report.

Today is the ILs 39th wedding anniversary. I think it just might be a luck day.

The Opener

2008-05-31T21:15:00.000-07:00

This seems like an odd time to start a blog. My husband and I have been married and battling infertility for a grand total of 20 months. I have already endured 8 months of trying naturally, a laperoscopy, an HSG, 2 hysteroscopies, 2 rounds of clomid, 2 IUIs with follistim, and 1 failed IVF. There is far too much history and too many tears to recap it all at this point.

I've decided to start this blog because of a sudden, and unusual, wave of optimism. I am exactly in the middle of IVF #2. Today was my egg retrieval. It occurred to me after surgery that my eggs were being fertilized at that moment and the life of our baby might be beginning today. With that in mind it seems like a shame not to record the excitement.

This will be, as most blogs are, a safe place for me to express emotions about infertility and also record the events that seem to be forgotten so quickly. I'm praying with all my heart that this blog will quickly turn into a pregnancy journal. Unfortunately the realist in me says that it will most likely become a catalogue of disappointments. Time will tell.